


Head over heels

by rottnrotty



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Infernal Devices Series - Cassandra Clare, The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Amnesia, Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Head Injury, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Slow Burn, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-27
Updated: 2017-09-19
Packaged: 2018-11-05 01:13:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 33,328
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11002896
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rottnrotty/pseuds/rottnrotty
Summary: Magnus let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding.  "Alexander, love, thank God you are awake.  Can you stand?  We need to get you to the Institute."Alec's gaze focused on Magnus, and in a split second, the Shadowhunter was backing away from the Warlock, terror evident in his eyes.  "Who...who are you?  Where am I?"  Alec tossed his head from side to side, like a caged animal.





	1. Chapter 1

Alec had fantasies about fighting side-by-side with Magnus Bane, the legendary High Warlock of Brooklyn.  Seeing Magnus use his magic was kind of a turn-on for Alec, not that he would admit it aloud.  At least, not yet.  

So when Isabelle contacted him on an evening off, requesting help with a possible Demon nest, Alec decided it was a blessing in disguise.  Magnus was usually content to amuse himself when Alec was called for Shadowhunter duty.  This time, Magnus wanted to come and help, which had Alec's body tingling with anticipation.  "The sooner we kill the bastards, the sooner we can return to our date," was Magnus's explanation.  Alec whole-heartedly agreed.  Their 'date' had evolved from an innocent movie night to a heavy makeout and petting session on the couch, and Alec was looking forward to what the rest of the evening had in store.  Particularly after seeing Magnus's fighting skills.  He was sure his Warlock boyfriend would look absolutely delicious battling Demons in skin tight jeans and a body hugging black henley shirt.

Alec and Magnus set off by portal, arriving in a filthy darkened alley next to an abandoned apartment complex.  Isabelle stood there, hands on her hips, a small smile playing over her features.  The red ruby on her neck was pulsing brightly, indicating a strong Demon presence nearby.  "Magnus, what a lovely surprise.  Decided to do a little Demon hunting tonight?"  Izzy smirked affectionately at the Warlock and her brother.

"You know what they say, darling Isabelle," Magnus trilled, waving a ring-clad hand majestically through the air.  "A good fight makes for the best foreplay."

"Magnus," Alec groaned, hiding his face in his hands.  "That's my little sister you are talking to."

Izzy just grinned, and replied, "I think you are confusing fighting Demons and fighting with each other.  And it leads to the best makeup sex, not foreplay."

"Seriously, Izzy?  At this point I'd almost be happy if a Demon attacked me, at least I'd be out of my misery."  Having his baby sister know so much more about sex was both embarrassing and disgusting.  

The arrival of Jace sprinting around the corner thankfully ended the sex talk.  "You're right Izzy, the place is definitely some sort of nest."  Jace looked over to where Alec and Magnus were standing.  "Oh, hey guys.  You got here quick.  You gonna help us out, Magnus?"

Magnus opened his mouth to answer, most likely to make another sexual innuendo that would embarrass his boyfriend terribly, so Alec quickly spoke up.  "Yah, we were kind of in the middle of something.  So let's do this, and we can all go home." 

Jace smiled cockily.  "Oh yah?  And just what were you in the middle of, that was so important, Alec?"

Alec stared Jace down.  "Just watching a movie.  I want to see how it ends."

Jace's smile widened.  "It must have been a really good movie," he drawled, walking closer to his parabati.  As he drew up next to Alec, Jace whispered, "your shirt is on inside out."

Alec flushed bright red, while Magnus snickered and grabbed his boyfriend's hand, giving it a tight, sympathetic squeeze before letting go.  "I think we've all had enough fun at Alexander's expense for one night," Magnus said, trying to look sternly at Jace and failing miserably.  "What's the plan?"

"Plan?" Jace snorted, cocky grin back on his face.  "What plan?  We run in, we kill, we leave. Simple."

Magnus rolled his eyes and looked at Alec.  "I'm beginning to see the source of your parabati-induced frustrations."

"Hey, shut up."  Jace pouted and flashed the cutest puppy dog eyes at Alec and Magnus.  "Alec loves me, right dude?"

"Yes Jace, I love you, brother," Alec sighed.  "Maybe almost as much as you love yourself."

"That was savage, Alexander.  I like it."  Magnus looked at Alec with total adoration.  Alec's heart rate sped up, and it had nothing to do with the thought of the Demons they were about to face.  He found himself staring back at Magnus, mentally picturing how the night would progress once they returned to the loft.

 _Herhemm_ , Isabelle cleared her throat, growing impatient.  She glanced between the men with a 'what are we waiting for' face. 

"Well, now that we have even numbers, there is sort of a plan," Jace admitted, smiling winningly at them all.  "There are two entrances into the building, and each has a set of stairs leading to the next level.  Izzy and I will go in the front, and take the staircase to the second floor.  Lovebirds, you take the back entrance, and scope out the ground floor.  It's a small building, so if you need help, scream loud, and the other team will come running.  Sound good?"

Everyone muttered and nodded that the plan sounded fine.  The Shadowhunters prepared their weapons, while Magnus closed his eyes and chanted under his breath.  Alec didn't recognize the language, but Magnus was obviously getting himself into the proper frame of mind for the fight ahead.

Alec attempted to lead the way, but Magnus held up his hand, and snuck in front of the archer.  For a split second, Alec allowed himself to admire Magnus's gorgeous, tight little ass, before snapping into professional Shadowhunter mode.  They worked together seamlessly, making an amazing team, somehow able to communicate through body language.  Magnus used his magic to break open the apartment doors, and Alec swooped in, arrow drawn and ready to fire.  The first three apartments were deserted.  When Magnus blew the forth and final door open, a Shax Demon was waiting just on the other side.  Alec fired his arrow, at the same time as Magnus let a glowing orb of red magic pulse from his hands.  The Shax Demon disintegrated in front of them.

"Shax Demons are parasitic breeding Demons," Alec thought out loud.  "There probably is a nest.  Be careful."

Magnus nodded at Alec, his hands held out in front of him in an offensive stance.  They swept through the apartment quickly, finding nothing until they entered the small bathroom.  There were two more Shax Demons in the bathtub.  Both were dead before they had time to register what was happening.  "I'm quite enjoying myself, Alexander," Magnus admitted, winking cheekily at his boyfriend.  "Watching you slay Demons is very sexy."

Alec moved into Magnus's personal space and wrapped his arms around his waist.  Burying his head in Magnus's neck, he murmured, "Likewise, Magnus Bane."  Alec rubbed his nose along Magnus's neck and collarbone, enjoying the closeness of the moment.  "I've actually...I've been thinking about it for a while.  Us fighting together, getting to see you use your magic that way, working as a team.  It was...hot," Alec stuttered.  He chanced a glance at Magnus, and was relieved to find him grinning from ear to ear.  

"Alexander Lightwood, you have surprised me once again."  Magnus leaned up and pecked Alec's nose quickly with his lips.  "Let's explore this more back at my place.  We should go find-"

He was cut off by a sudden sharp scream.  "Alec!" Izzy's panicked voice rang through the building.  They darted out of the apartment and towards the staircase.  Alec could hear someone thundering down the stairs.  He suspected it was Jace or Isabelle, but he prepared an arrow just in case.  When the person came into view, it was obvious he was a Warlock.  There were black, skin covered wings extending from the back of his blue button-down shirt.  They looked fragile, like the skin would be easy to damage.  Alec lowered his bow slightly, ready to talk to the Warlock.

"Don't let him get away," Jace yelled from somewhere on the floor above them.

Magnus was eyeing the Warlock up with disdain.  "Shax Demons are usually summoned by a Warlock, for tracking or hunting.  This nest was probably created by him."  Suddenly the two Warlocks were duelling, throwing magic back and forth at one another erratically.  By the grimace on Magnus's face, Alec was fairly certain this would be a fight to the death.

"Let me go!" The Warlock screeched, sounding slightly hysterical.  "I don't want any Shadowhunter trouble." 

Alec needed to finish this before someone ended up dead.  He raised his bow again, and aimed for the Warlock's thigh, hoping to incapacitate him long enough for Magnus to magic up some restraints or something.  Before he could release the arrow, the Warlock looked over at Alec, and with a primal scream, threw a large wave of purple magic right at the archer.  Alec flew backwards, smashed into the hallway wall, and collapsed to the ground with an echoing thump.

The Warlock took advantage of Magnus's momentary lapse of attention, and barrelled out of the building into the night.  A portal appeared just outside the door, and the Warlock disappeared from sight.  With that problem out of the way, Magnus launched himself at Alec.  The Shadowhunter was unconscious, slouched awkwardly against the wall with a deep gash on the side of his head.  Blood was dripping down his ear and onto his deflect Rune, then running under the neckline of his shirt.

"Jace, Isabelle, where the fuck are you?  Get down here, please."  Magnus wanted to get Alec out of this hellhole to be properly cared for as soon as possible.  He placed his hands on Alec's face, sending his magic to close the wound and stop the bleeding.  But there was something else wrong, Magnus could feel it.  Healing magic wasn't his specialty, he'd need an expert to check Alec over.

The missing Shadowhunters appeared at the top of the stairs.  Jace had his arm wrapped tightly around Izzy's waist, and he was guiding her gently to the main floor.  "Where's the Warlock?" Jace asked breathlessly, looking around.  His eyes fell on Alec's prone form, and popped wide open.  "Oh, shit.  Is Alec ok?"

"I'm not sure," Magnus replied honestly, chewing on his bottom lip.  "I healed the visible head wound, but something feels off to me.  We need to get him out of here."  He looked up at Jace, and admitted, "I let the Warlock get away after he attacked Alec."

"Don't sweat it Magnus," Jace said.  He glanced at Izzy quickly, and frowned.  "He took us by surprise, and we let him get by us.  There were about a dozen Demons in the apartment with him, and they all attacked as he slipped out the door.  When Izzy called out to warn Alec, he snapped her leg with magic."  Izzy was shaking and pale, and looked to be in a great deal of pain.  "The iratzes I drew don't seem to be helping her much."

"They are keeping her on her feet, at least."  Magnus ran through his options at top speed.  He needed a healer, first and foremost.  And both Lightwoods now needed mending.  His loft might not be the ideal place.  He grabbed his cell phone and punched in a number.  "Catarina, it's an emergency.  Meet me at the New York Institute as soon as you can.  No questions asked, just do it, for me."  He hung up without letting his friend respond.

"Ok Jace, we need to get Alec and Isabelle outside so I have space to open up a portal."  Jace nodded his head, a look of determination crossing his features.  He gently swung Izzy off her feet, and carried her bridal-style.  She let out a soft cry of pain, then melted into his arms.

Alec was a little trickier.  Magnus was scared to move him, for fear of causing further damage.  The Warlock decided to gently nudge Alec with his magic, and see if the Shadowhunter would wake up on his own.

It seemed to work.  Magnus leaned back, and watched as Alec's eyelids fluttered and his hands began to move.  Finally he opened his eyes, and looked around blurrily.  "Ow," he muttered, rubbing the injured side of his head with his hand.

Magnus let out the breath he didn't realize he was holding.  "Alexander, love, thank God you are awake.  Can you stand?  We need to get you to The Institute."

Alec's gaze focused on Magnus, and in a split second, the Shadowhunter was backing away from the Warlock, terror evident in his eyes.  "Who...who are you?  Where am I?"  Alec tossed his head from side to side, like a caged animal.  "Don't come any closer, Warlock, or I'll strike you down."

Magnus reached a hand out towards Alec, but let it drop when the Shadowhunter flinched away.  In a soothing voice, he said, "Alec, it's me.  It's Magnus."

"I don't know anyone named Magnus.  I don't know any Warlocks," Alec replied, and then promptly passed out.


	2. Chapter 2

Magnus paced back and forth outside of the Institute's hospital wing.  He was frantic for some news on Alec's condition.  Which was probably why Catarina had kicked him out in the first place.  "I don't know, Magnus," Catarina growled, after Magnus had pushed for a diagnosis for the fifth time in less than ten minutes.  "Give me a chance to do a thorough exam."  

Just how long was this exam supposed to take?  Magnus had been outside the door, alternating between pacing and pressing his forehead to the wall, for over half an hour.  Images of Alec's terrified eyes and hostile body posture kept weaving through Magnus's mind.  They affected Magnus like a physical pain, twisting his stomach and gripping his lungs.  "What is taking so long, Catarina?" Magnus bellowed, banging on the door.  "Give a Warlock a break."  Being centuries old did not make Magnus a patient man, and he could feel whatever composure he had left slipping away like water down the drain.

Magnus pounded on the door once more for good measure, then slumped onto the wall, totally defeated.  A soft click jolted him upright once more.  Catarina pushed the door open, and peaked her head around at Magnus.  Her expression was impossible to read.  "Alec is sleeping.  You can come in, and sit by him, if you promise to be quiet."  She fiddled with a bracelet nervously before holding out a hand to Magnus.  He gladly grabbed onto it like a lifeline.  "Come on, you won't relax until you see him.  I'll explain everything inside."

His friend was being too kind, too caring.  Magnus didn't like it.  They had a relationship based on witty banter, heavy sarcasm, and alcohol overindulgence.  Well, maybe it was mostly Magnus who took part in the third thing, but Catarina certainly excelled at the first two.  Her compassionate demeanour had Magnus braced for the worst before he even entered the room.

When his eyes found Alec, he was surprised.  Pleasantly so.  Alec looked like an angel.  To Magnus, he always did, but it was especially easy to see now.  His face was slack with sleep, a small smile playing on his lips.  He had his hands tucked under his ear, like little kids do.  His cheeks were flushed with colour, and his skin was unmarred. He appeared to be the picture of good health, and Magnus allowed his heart to unclench, just a little.

Magnus pulled up a chair next to the bed, and reached forward to lightly move the hair out of the Shadowhunter's eyes.  "You gave me quite the fright," he whispered, smiling down at his boyfriend.  Content for the moment that Alec was stable, he turned toward Catarina expectantly.  "Well?" he encouraged, when the female Warlock remained quiet.  "How is he?"

"The only external injury he had was the wound to his head, which you healed magnificently."  Catarina paused, and Magnus nodded for her to go on.  "But you were right, Alec is suffering damage not visible to the naked eye."

Magnus closed his eyes for a moment.  "That Warlock. If he hurt Alec with that spell...I let him get away, Catarina. I let him go, so I could help Alec."  He opened his eyes and stared at Catarina with intensity.  "What kind of damage?  Am I going to have to hunt this Warlock down and kill him?"

Catarina flinched slightly, and looked around the room.  "Jesus Magnus, don't forget where you are.  Try not to talk about killing people while we are in the Institute surrounded by Nephilim."  She concentrated back on Magnus.  "The spell itself wasn't designed to harm Alec.  In fact, it wasn't really a spell at all.  The Warlock just used his magic spontaneously to push Alec out of the way.  It's the side effects of the intense blow Alec endured that I'm worried about."

"Wait, so the Warlock didn't cast a spell on Alec?" Magnus asked, sounding confused.  "Then why didn't he recognize me?"

Catarina bent down next to Magnus's chair, and took both his hands into hers.  "Alec has a contusion on his brain.  That means a bruise of the brain tissue.  It is considered a traumatic brain injury."

Magnus pondered this for a moment.  "But you can heal him, right?" Magnus asked, squeezing Cat's hands painfully.  "Right Catarina?  He's going to be ok?"  

"I wish I could," she murmured gently, rubbing Magnus's knuckles with her thumb.  The look on Magnus's face nearly caused her to lose her nerve, but she knew she had to fully explain.  "I've stopped the small blood vessels that were leaking in Alec's brain.  But I can't do anything about the damage that was already done."

"Of course you can, Cat," Magnus replied hopefully.  "Even I could fix a bruise.  This should be child's play for you."

"Unfortunately, getting a bruise on your brain isn't the same as on your skin.  Yes, I can heal the bruise.  That's not the problem."  She paused to take a deep breath, and Magnus interrupted.

"Are you saying," Magnus ground out slowly, "that Alec might have brain damage?"

"Yes," Catarina whispered.  "Yes Magnus, that's what I'm saying.  The brain is a fragile thing.  No amount of magic can repair a brain injury.  Like I said, I could stop the bleeding, heal the bruise, but that's it."

"Ok, so we can't use magic.  What else can we do?  What are the mundane cures?"  Magnus popped out of the chair, and began pacing by Alec's bed with a manic energy.

Catarina covered her face with her hands for a second.  It hurt to see her friend like this.  And the answer to his question wasn't going to make anything better.  "There are none," she said gently.  Magnus stopped pacing, and slouched down on himself.  Catarina grabbed him just before his legs gave out, and guided him back into the chair.  "It's a wait and see type of thing, Magnus.  Prognosis depends on the severity of the injury.  Hopefully, Alec will make a full recovery.  In time."

"I've got time," the Warlock replied caustically.  "It's Alec that only gets one lifespan.  What do I need to know right now?"

"You need to be aware of how this could potentially affect Alec.  Memory loss, behavioural and personality changes, coordination problems, even depression, are all symptoms of brain contusions."  Catarina smiled softly at Magnus.  "That doesn't mean that Alec will display them all, or that anything will be permanent.  But just...be prepared.  And be understanding.  Things are going to be rough for him."

"Sounds like things are going to be rough for everyone," Magnus said sadly.

****

Magnus refused to move from Alec's side, even though he could have used a shower and some sleep.  He needed to be there when Alec woke up.

Eventually exhaustion must have overtaken him, because he woke up with a start to Isabelle shaking him arm.  Sleeping in the chair had left his neck cramped, and the start of a massive migraine was brewing in his temples.  Despite his condition, he focused on his boyfriend's little sister, and said with a smile, "looks like you are all healed up."

"Thanks to you, Magnus.  You got us home, and called Catarina," Izzy answered.  She waved her hand quickly, as if it show how little her health mattered.  "What about Alec?"

Magnus sighed deeply.  "I'll let Catarina give you all the gory medical details.  The short story is, Alec suffered a brain injury when he was flung into the wall.  He had some bleeding, and we don't know the extent of the damage yet."  He tried his best to stifle a sob, and Izzy grabbed his hand, providing him with support to continue.  "He's shown some signs of memory loss, and he could have other side effects too."

"Alec," Izzy moaned, with a strangled cry.  She sunk her head into Magnus's shoulder, and allowed herself to cry for a couple of minutes, before straightening up with a determined look on her face.  "Sorry about that."

"You never have to apologize to me for having feelings, Isabelle," Magnus said calmly.  "I know how much you love your brother.  It's only natural to be upset, and scared."

"Shadowhunters don't get scared," Izzy replied, but there was no heat behind her words.  She gazed at Alec with a loving expression.  "I just want him to be ok."

"Me too," Magnus replied honestly.  A look of understanding passed between the Shadowhunter and the Warlock.  They were the two people that loved Alec the most.  Sure, Alec had parents, another sibling, even a parabati.  But it was Isabelle and Magnus that would be unable to survive without Alec, and they both knew it.

Izzy gasped, and gripped Magnus's hand, pointing towards Alec with her free one.  Alec was shifting on the bed.  His eyes were fluttering rapidly under his eyelids, and he was mumbling under his breath.  He heaved his body over in the bed, so that he was facing away from Magnus and Izzy.  Magnus let out an anxious squeak.  "Catarina?  I think he's waking up.  What do we do?"

Catarina descended on the scene, all business.  "Magnus, you stay here.  Isabelle, you go around to the other side of the bed so Alec can see you when he wakes up."

Isabelle cocked her head and looked at Catarina strangely.  "Of course.  But why shouldn't Magnus be there, too?"

Magnus and Catarina exchanged a quick glance.  "When Alec came to after being knocked out, he didn't recognize me," Magnus explained.  "My presence scared him."  Izzy's face reflected the horror that Magnus felt.

"This time could be totally different," Catarina soothed.  "But it's better to be safe than sorry."

Izzy nodded resolutely, and moved around the bed to stand by Alec's head.  She clasped his hand gently.  A ragged moan escaped Alec's lips, and he opened his eyes, blinking furiously to focus.  Izzy bent down and smiled.  "Hello, big brother.  Nice to see you on the mend."

"What happened?" Alec asked groggily.

"You don't remember?" Izzy asked mildly.  Alec shook his head, but stopped abruptly when a stabbing pain lanced through it.

"We were investigating a Demon nest, and were ambushed by a rogue Warlock.  You got hurt."

"Warlocks," Alec scoffed, disdain evident in his voice.  Isabelle looked up at Magnus and Catarina, shock evident on her face.

"Hey, never mind that.  There is someone here to see you.  In fact, he's been here the whole time." Izzy smiled down at her brother.

"Who is it?" Alec wondered.

"Oh, come on big brother.  Who else would sit by your side for hours on end, making sure you were ok?  It's the love of your life, of course."

"Jace?" Alec asked, with a choked whisper.   On the other side of the bed, Magnus was staring at Alec's back with despair and disbelief.  His chest constricted and he gulped down the bile rising in his throat.  Catarina put a consoling hand on his shoulder.  It didn't help.  Not even a Warlock healer could mend a broken heart.  


	3. Chapter 3

"Jace? What? No!" The forcefulness of Izzy's answer and the aghast look on her face shocked Alec. His sister was well aware of his secret crush. If it wasn't Jace, who the hell was she talking about?

The screeching noise of a chair being aggressively pushed back brought Alec to his senses.  He tensed in the bed, suddenly terrified to turn around.  He didn't want to see who was behind him.  He didn't want to face the person who had just overheard Alec's confession; that he was in love with his parabati.  His very male parabati.  All these years, he had been so careful, hiding away that shameful piece of himself.  Alec knew what happened to Shadowhunters like him.  If they were lucky, they were married off and sent to live in remote locations.  If they weren't, they were stripped of their runes and forbidden to communicate with their friends and family in the Nephilim ever again.

"It's ok Alec," Izzy said kindly.  "Calm down.  He left."

"He who?" Alec asked.  He was too nervous to meet his sister's eyes, and instead kept them firmly planted on the bed.

Catarina stepped forward then.  Alec pulled out of Isabelle's grasp and shrunk back on the bed a bit.  "Hi, Alec.  Do you remember me?  I'm Catarina."

"Remember you?  Why would I?  I have never seen you before in my life."  Why would Alec know a Warlock?  Sometimes they came to the Institute briefly for business, but Alec had no reason to interact with them.  He avoided Downworlders in general.

Isabelle and Catarina exchanged a worried glance.  "We have met, Alec.  You've sustained a head injury tonight, and it seems to be affecting your memory."  Catarina kept looking at him gravely.  It made Alec feel like a specimen in a jar.  "What is the last thing you remember?"

"Um, I don't know," Alec admitted haltingly.  "Things do seem sort of hazy."  He fidgeted with the sheets a little.  The Warlock's staring was making him uncomfortable.  Why was she here, anyway?  Couldn't a Shadowhunter healer tend to his injuries?  "Why do you care?"

Izzy inhaled sharply.  Disapproval was apparent on every bit of her face.  "It's alright," Catarina replied, giving Isabelle's hand a quick pat.  "One of the side effects is behaviour and personality change.  No harm done."

Alec was tired of being talked to and talked about like he was an unruly child.  "What the fuck is going on, exactly?" he demanded.  Even with the pounding pain in his head, he decided to drag himself up to a sitting position, resting his back against the wall.

"You hit your head, Alec.  Hard enough to cause some bleeding.  It's causing some memory loss, and I would like to assess that before I leave," Catarina explained briskly.  She was blunt and succinct, just like Alec, and he felt himself relax around the Warlock just a bit.  He nodded at her to continue.  "Ok, let's try something different.  Tell me what you know for certain about your life.  What are your truths?"

Alec took a moment to think before answering.  "My name is Alexander Gideon Lightwood.   I have two siblings, Isabelle and Max, and one adopted brother, Jace.  Jace is also my parabati.  My parents, Maryse and Robert, run the New York Institute."  He saw the two woman exchange looks again, but he kept going.  "When my parents are away in Idris, I fill in as acting head of the Institute.  Hodge Starkweather also lives at the Institute, he is our weapon's trainer."  Alec paused to take a breath, but Catarina held up her hand, cutting him off.

"Good Alec, that's good," she murmured.  Alec didn't believe it.  If the way Izzy was shaking her head and holding back tears was anything to go by, things were definitely not good.  "Tell me if you recognize any of these names.  Clary Fray, Luke Garroway, Jem Carstairs, Simon Lewis, Mag-Magnus Bane."  She stumbled a bit over the last one.  None of those names were familiar to Alec, and he shook his head with each one the Warlock mentioned.

"I'm diagnosing you with retrograde amnesia, Alec."  Both Lightwoods looked startled, and fearful.  Catarina smiled reassuringly at them both.  "It's not as bad as it sounds.  Basically, you have lost some memories from a particular time frame.  Usually they are memories from right around a patient's accident, but in some cases, memory loss can extend back further.  Months or even years of memories can be lost.  The good news is, the memories you do have seem strong."

"Is there any chance Alec will get his memories back?" Isabelle asked haltingly.  Alec was glad to have her by his side.  He was totally overwhelmed by all the information.

Catarina was smiling and nodding. "Yes, quite often retrograde amnesia is temporary, although it depends on the cause.  Because Alec's amnesia is due to a traumatic head injury, there is the possibility those memories will never be recovered."  Izzy let a few tears fall from her eyes.  "Now, there is no specific treatment for Alec's head injury, and the resulting damage.  But we can try to coax the memories back, by exposing him to the things and people he has forgotten."  Catarina looked at Isabelle and Alec seriously.  "It will need to be done gently.  You can't expect him to jump into his old life like nothing has happened.  He's going to be confused, and anxious."  Catarina focused her attention on Alec.  "That's not an excuse for you to live in the past.  It will be hard, but gradually you will have to live the life you have now, regardless of whether your memories return or not."  

Alec gave the Warlock a quick nod to show his understanding.  It was weird.  He didn't feel any different.

Catarina was gathering her things, ready to leave the Institute.  "Start small. Let me know if you need anything, ok?  I'm willing to help out, anytime."  The worry and gentleness in the Warlock's voice made Alec pause.  Was a Downworlder really that concerned for his wellbeing?

"Thank you, Catarina," Izzy replied, giving the Warlock a bright smile.  "You'll take care of...uh... our friend, for now?"  As Izzy asked the question, she gestured to the vacant chair by the bed.  Catarina nodded, and Alec's heart leapt in his chest.  Whoever had been in that chair was someone very important to Alec.

"Uh, Iz?  Wh-who was here, earlier?" Alec could feel his face heat up in a blush.

Catarina spoke quickly from her place by the door, "no names, for now," and then exited the hospital wing gracefully.

Isabelle nodded to herself, and gritted her teeth, before looking at Alec.  "That was Mag...uh, I mean, that was your boyfriend."  Izzy was now just as flush as Alec.

A million emotions seemed to well up in Alec all at once.  Shame, bitterness, embarrassment, shock, horror, even rage.  "What?  That's ridiculous!  I don't have a boyfriend. I'm not..." Alec let the last statement die off with a sputter.

"Gay?" Isabelle supplied tenderly.  Alec froze.  Every muscle in his body tensed up.  He was contemplating making a run for it, when his sister sat on the bed next to him, and wrapped an arm around his shoulder.  "It's ok, Alec.  Everybody knows you are gay."

"I'm not gay," Alec yelled, wrenching away from his sister.  Humiliation was twisting his stomach.  "I'm not gay," he repeated, his voice just barely a whisper.

Isabelle didn't let Alec's reaction upset her at all.  She just embraced her brother again, and pulled his head onto her shoulder.  "I guess we didn't really start small like Catarina suggested, huh?"  Despite himself, Alec snorted a small laugh into her shoulder.  "Look, I know it's hard to understand right now, but what I said is true.  Everybody knows you are gay. Everybody knows you have a boyfriend.  I'm not going to lie and say everyone is fine with it, but the most important thing is, you are.  You're happy, Alec.  And your friends, we are all happy for you.  You're the happiest you've been in years."

That sounded nice.  Alec would love to be happy, with a boyfriend.  It would be hard to accept.  It went against everything he had been taught, growing up.  "I really have a boyfriend?" he whispered in an awed tone.  "Who would want to be with me?"

"Oh, Alec," Izzy replied sadly.  "You always sell yourself short.  Yes, you have a boyfriend.  The gold standard of boyfriends, actually.  And just so you know, he pursued you.  He could see how special you were, and never gave up.  It was so romantic."

That sounded nice, too.  Nice, but wrong.  He shook his head, a little frantically, until Isabelle grabbed it between her hands and steadied him.  "Is he here?  Is he in the Institute?"

"Yes, he's at the Institute right now.  But don't worry about that, Alec.  You don't have to meet him until you are ready."

Alec let out a huge sigh of relief. "Yah, ok, good.  I'm definitely not ready."

They sat in a companionable silence for a while, before Alec asked, "what about Jace?"

"What about him, hermano?" Izzy asked.

Alec wasn't sure what he was asking.   _Do I still love him?_ He settled on, "where is he?"

"Jace blames himself for you getting hurt."  Alec huffed out a breath of air and rolled his eyes.  That sounded like Jace.  "He decided to go out hunting for the Warlock you fought with.  I tried to talk him out of it, but..." Izzy's sentence trailed off, but Alec knew exactly what she was saying.  Once Jace had his mind set on something, it was impossible to talk him out of it.

"What does Jace think?  About my...um...life?"  By the Angel, this was difficult.  Thankfully Izzy was looking at him with acceptance and patience.  "I mean, is he ok with it?  With me?"

Isabelle understood what Alec was having trouble saying.  "If you mean, does he care that you are gay, than no.  He's totally supportive.  He even gave your boyfriend a bit of a hard time, to make sure he deserved you."

Alec let that sink in for a moment.  It was like Izzy was talking about someone else, a different guy named Alec.  Someone happy and confident in their sexuality, and proud of having a boyfriend.  Because honestly, Alec did not feel like that.  At all.  He actually felt deeply mortified by the fact that everyone knew he was gay.  And also guilty about his boyfriend, who he didn't remember.  What he did remember were the improper feelings he had for his parabati and adoptive brother.  What a fucking mess.

"Hey, Iz," Alec started, and Izzy answered with a hum.  "How does everyone know?  About me being, uh...me liking guys?"  Even admitting it out loud to his sister was awful.

"Oh, wow Alec.  Catarina said to start small, and that story is definitely a big one."  She cocked her head and looked at her brother affectionatley.  "It's not something we should tackle on an empty stomach.  Come on, let's go get something to eat."  Izzy stood up and extended her hand.  Alec allowed himself to be hauled out of the bed by his sister.  He wove his fingers into hers, relishing the familiar touch of someone he trusted with his life. 

* * *

Magnus had sat staring at the back of Alec's head for a few seconds.  Did his boyfriend really just call Jace the love of his life?  The suddenly violent urge to vomit was too much for Magnus, and he pushed himself wildly out of the chair and sped for the door.  He barely made it to an unoccupied Institute bathroom, before forcibly bringing up the contents of his stomach.

Right now, the cool porcelain toilet was his best friend.  Magnus hugged it tightly, and rested his feverish head against the side, enjoying the cool feeling against his skin.  He might just stay here forever.

Footsteps invaded his mind, bringing him back to reality.  Obviously he couldn't live in a bathroom.  He was standing up and straightening out his shirt when Catarina popped her head in.  "I'm glad I had something to track you with.  I never would have thought to look for you here."

"I'm just hanging with my new friend," Magnus replied, and gave the toilet a pat.  "He's really been there for me lately."

"Magnus," Catarina said earnestly, "you don't have to do that."

"Don't have to do what?" Magnus wondered.

"Make jokes, pretend everything is fine, avoid the problem at hand."

Magnus closed his eyes and sighed.  When he opened them again, they were bright with unshed tears.  "What am I supposed to do, Catarina?  My boyfriend doesn't remember me, and he's in love with someone else.  Forgive me for trying to lighten the mood so I don't end up throwing myself from my balcony."

Catarina's face went pale.  "That's not funny, Magnus," she said sternly.  "If you really feel that way-"

"I don't know how I feel, except awful.  My whole body feels bad, like I have the flu or something.  Everything aches."  Magnus looked around.  "I can't believe we are having this conversation in the bathroom.  Let's go, I need to get out of the Institute."

Catarina and Magnus walked side by side to the entrance.  Magnus could feel his friend's eyes on him, trying to get a handle on his frame of mind.

"You don't have to worry about me, Cat.  I'm just going to go home.  No wallowing in self pity, or mooning over Alexander, I promise."  Magnus held up two fingers, and crossed them over his heart.  Catarina just rolled her eyes.

"Maybe I'll come with you," she said nonchalantly.  

Now it was Magnus's turn to roll his eyes.  Cat sure wasn't very subtle.  "I won't be very good company," Magnus replied cheerfully.  "I plan to get dead drunk.  Just incredibly, mind numbingly, blackout drunk."

"That's a great way to deal with your problems," Catarina said sarcastically.  Magnus shrugged his shoulders.  "Fine, I'll let you off the hook for tonight.  But don't give up on your little Shadowhunter.  He may have forgotten who you are, but he is interested.  He's already asking questions, and trying to piece things together."

Magnus gripped his head with his hands.  "Of course I'm not giving up on Alexander.  I love him.  It's just..." Magnus peeked at Catarina through his fingers.  "I'm not sure I can do this again," he whispered.  "I'm not sure I can watch someone I love chose someone else.  I think it might kill me this time, Cat."

Catarina pulled his hands from his face, and squeezed them tightly in hers.  "Don't put the cart before the horse.  He hasn't chosen anyone yet.  Give Alec some time.  Either his memories will come back, or they won't, but either way, he still needs to know what is happening in his life in the present.  And you are a big part of that life."  She extracted one of her hands, and created a portal leading directly into Magnus's loft.  "Go home.  Poison yourself with alcohol if you need too.  Someone will be by to check on you tomorrow."  Magnus made his way towards the portal, and was about to step through, when Cat's voice stopped him.  "Promise me you are ok, that you won't do anything stupid tonight.  Otherwise, I'm coming home with you."

Magnus kept his back to Catarina and nodded, waving a hand at her over his shoulder before stepping through the portal.  He didn't want the other Warlock to see the tears streaming down his face.  And he had been truthful.  He wasn't planning on doing anything stupid.  Because right now, getting so drunk he could hardly remember his own name, let alone Alexander Lightwood's, seemed like the smartest idea he had ever had.  

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to all my lovely reader, you guys are the best.
> 
> I didn't proofread this as much as I usually do, so please let me know if you see a mistake that needs to be fixed.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter draws on some non-canon stuff from my last multi-chapter fic, Love Found and Lost. You don't have to read that story to enjoy this one, but I'll fill you in on some of the details I'm using.
> 
> Jem Carstairs came to the Institute with a few other new Shadowhunter recruits, to replace the people that were killed in episode 2x10 of the show. When Magnus goes missing, Alec works with Jem, as well as Luke, Simon, and Clary, to find him. Consequently, he and Magnus end up with a huge support system that Alec never expected, but is very grateful for.
> 
> I'll be exploring Alec's reaction and feelings towards these new friends as the story progresses.

A filling meal and good night's sleep did wonders for Alec. His room was very similar to how he remembered it, which had been encouraging. Izzy had offered to stay with him, after they had finished eating pizza on Alec's bed, but he declined. He felt at home in the Institute, regardless of the memories he might be missing.  Instead, he arranged for his sister to come by early the next day, to continue filling in the blanks in Alec's mind.

A sharp rapping sounded on his bedroom door.  It was earlier than he thought Izzy would show up.  "You never used to be an early riser," Alec said, as he moved to open the door.  Smiling widely, he continued, "you also never used to knock-"

Alec stopped talking abruptly when he swung the door open, and it was Jace waiting in the hallway.  Suddenly he felt terribly awkward.  The two men stood staring at each other for a couple of seconds, before Jace pushed forward and quickly hugged Alec, patting him on the back a couple of times before letting go and stepping back.  "You were expecting Izzy, weren't you?"  Jace asked wryly.  When Alec nodded, Jace said, "always the second choice, even with my own parabati."

 _I should say something,_ Alec thought.  Instead, he watched Jace stroll into his small room and flop down on his unmade bed.  It felt intimate, and strangely inappropriate, which was weird.  Alec and Jace had done stuff like that hundreds of times.  So why was Alec finding it so hard to look at Jace, or even formulate a verbal response?

Jace picked up on the tension.  "Is there something wrong, dude?"

Alec was tempted to throw out a flippant reply.   _Nope, I'm great, I've enjoyed losing a bunch of memories,_ but he realized that was just too rude.  "I'm just still processing everything," he said.  It was as good an explanation as any.

Jace nodded without making eye contact.  There was obviously something on his mind.  Alec wished he'd hurry up and tell him.  Maybe then Jace would stop lounging on the bed like a god damn model.

"It's my fault you are hurt.  I just thought you should know, so no one else gets blamed," Jace said, with a hint of swagger in his voice.  Alec hated when Jace acted like this.  Like he didn't care about shit.

"I didn't realize you were secretly a Downworlder.  Because I heard it was a Warlock who caused my injury, not a cocky Shadowhunter."  Alec said it with just enough snarkiness that Jace's cold exterior melted away, and he cracked a smile.

"You know what I mean.  I asked Izzy to call you for help.  How we handled the mission was my plan, and both you and Iz ended up getting wounded."  Jace pushed his hair away from his face with one hand.  "I'm sorry," he said softly.

Alec waved his hand at his parabati.  "Don't apologize.  Missions always have the potential to go bad, every Shadowhunter accepts that."  He could see Jace about to open his mouth and speak, so Alec cut him off quickly.  "I mean, it still sucks that I've got some memory loss.  But it's not your fault. I don't blame you."

Jace visibly relaxed at Alec's reassurances.  "Thanks, man," he said, and this time his voice sounded like the real Jace, not someone trying to put on a tough-guy act.  "Hey, I know you're going to work on some stuff with Izzy today.  But maybe later, we could do some training?"  Jace looked at Alec so hopefully, it made the archer laugh out loud.

"I'd love that," Alec replied honestly.  It just seemed like such a normal thing to do.  Maybe dealing with this injury wouldn't be so bad after all.

Jace smiled at Alec, a full-tooth smile that lit up his whole face, bringing Alec back to reality with a reverberating crash.  That smile, and the way Jace's t-shirt rode up on his stomach when he got off of the bed, made Alec's knees weak.  In the usual "I'm secretly in love with my parabati/adoptive brother" way.  But also now in the "I've got a boyfriend that I don't remember and it feels wrong to think Jace is hot" kind of way.  

Basically, Alec was fucked, and he couldn't wait for Isabelle to show up and help him make sense of this mess.

* * *

Over in Brooklyn, the High Warlock was experiencing a totally different kind of morning.  Where Alec had awoken feeling refreshed and mildly optimistic, Magnus felt like death warmed over.  He had no one to blame but himself (and the many whiskey sours he had ingested on an empty stomach).  While Magnus couldn't totally cure a hangover with his magic, he could greatly reduce the symptoms.  And he would.  If only he could move the slightest bit without the possibility of throwing up all over his $2000 bed cover.

But he would have to do it soon; someone had been ringing the loft buzzer consistently for over fifteen minutes.  It was most likely one of his well-meaning, yet totally aggravating friends.  

"I'm the fucking High Warlock of Brooklyn," Magnus muttered into his pillow.  "Why do I put up with this shit?  I could turn them all into cockroaches."  Sighing deeply, he took a chance at waving his hand over his head, which instantly cleared.  The jackhammering headache also lessened to a dull throb.  He hauled himself off the bed and to the door, permitting his persistent visitor entry.

It was Raphael.  "Dios, Magnus.  Couldn't you have put some clothes on?"

Magnus looked down at himself appraisingly.  Usually he would at least don a robe, preferably a silk one if he felt like showing off.  Today he was in skin tight sky blue boxers and nothing else.  Unless you counted the jewelry he still wore, which Magnus didn't.  It also meant he had probably not removed his makeup.  He brought a slender finger up to his eye, and Raphael said, "yes, you look like a raccoon.  Can you please cover yourself up?"

If Magnus had felt up to it, he would have teased Raphael mercilessly with his almost nudity.  Today he was just not in the mood for such games.  He walked wordlessly to the bedroom, threw on a pair of Alec's sweats and a tank top, and returned to the entranceway, not even caring about the mess his face must look.  He walked right past Raphael, and planted himself on the couch with a very ungraceful, unMagnus-like thump.

Raphael followed him into the living room, but remained standing, staring off out the window.  "Have some self respect, Magnus.  Are those the Shadowhunter's pants?"  

Magnus let his head fall onto the back of the couch.  It was going to be a long day.  "Why are you here?  Is it to drive me crazy?  Because guess what, mission accomplished.  You can go home now."

"Idiota," Raphael growled under his breath.  Then in a normal tone of voice, he said, "it's daylight, I can't get back to the Hotel Dumort until sunset."

"Right.  Like I'm not a massively impressive Warlock with top-notch skills."  Magnus sat up and peered at his friend.  "Seriously, High Warlock here," he said, while hitting himself on the chest to emphasize the point.  "I can probably handle opening a portal."

Raphael finally looked away from the window, and focused on Magnus.  "You know why I'm here," he said quietly.  

"I do," Magnus replied, his voice just as hushed, "and I appreciate it.  I just...I'm fine."  The vampire shook his head at this remark.  "Ok, maybe not fine.  I'm...surviving?  And I will continue to do so."  Magnus gave his friend a small, tired smile.  "I'd actually like to be alone."  

The great thing about an immortal friend was having the time to really get to know them.  Magnus knew Raphael wouldn't be offended by his statement.  The Vampire was a solitary creature, much more so than Magnus, and would understand the need for privacy.

Raphael dipped his head in an acquiescent nod.  "I should warn you, Catarina has made a schedule.  Expect all your friends to come by for a visit in the next little while."

Magnus groaned and closed his eyes.  "I don't need a babysitter.  I'm literally centuries old."  He cracked one eye open, and fixed the Vampire with a beady stare.  "In fact, I'm older than all of you."  He hummed thoughtfully.  "You know what, you should all be a little more respectful towards me."

"Yes, of course," Raphael said complacently.  "I'll spread the word.  You're old, and are demanding special treatment. Got it."

The deadpan expression of Raphael's voice made Magnus grin for the first time since Alec's injury.  The Vampire noticed, and his mouth quirked up minutely in one corner.  It was only for a fraction of a second, but Magnus caught it.  "Thanks Raphael.  For coming by and annoying me.  I know that's your way of showing you care."

"You're welcome," Raphael replied evenly.  Then his voice changed to one laced with sarcasm.  "Now open the damn portal so I can go home and sleep."

Magnus happily did as requested.  Peace and quiet was only a moment away.  "Pleasant dreams Raphael."

Of course Raphael had to have the last word.  "I think one of the people Catarina recruited to check on you is Simon.  Have fun with that," he said, as he disappeared through the portal.  

A very pitiful sound, somewhere between a whimper and a whine, escaped from Magnus.  He better enjoy the solitude while it lasted, because once Simon Lewis showed up, the silence would be filled with good-intentioned yammering.  

* * *

When Alec emerged from the shower, the delicious aroma of fresh coffee teased through the air.  He got dressed hastily, and found Isabelle is his room, setting out muffins and fruit and hot coffee on his desk.  Watching his sister, he couldn't help the fond smile that bloomed on his face.  In the chaotic mess that was a Shadowhunter's life, Alec was sure of one thing; the love he shared with Isabelle.  It ran deeper than the normal sibling bond.  Alec would die for Izzy, give up his own happiness if it meant she would never hurt.  And he knew she felt the same.  

He snuck up behind her, and engulfed her in a strong hug.  Izzy startled a little, before sinking her back into her brother's chest.  "Someone's in a good mood this morning.  You had a good sleep?"

"Yah, I did," Alec replied, as he released his sister and accepted one of the coffees.  "And Jace stopped by this morning.  It went...well."

"Hmmm," Izzy hummed, as she took a sip of her drink.  

Alec could feel her calculating gaze sizing him up.  Feeling flustered, he grabbed a muffin, and took a huge bite.  "These are good," he said, mouth still partly full.  "Thanks Iz."

Isabelle shrugged.  "Of course, Alec."  She picked up a piece of orange, and delicately popped it in her mouth.  "What's on the agenda for today?  You've been put on light duties for medical reasons, so if you want to just hang out here and figure stuff out, that's fine."  Izzy gestured to her leg.  "I'm getting a couple of days off on light duties as well, just to make sure my fracture is fully healed."

"As nice as that sounds, I can't stay hidden in my room, Iz.  Having missing memories doesn't prevent me from being a good Shadowhunter, right?  I need to get back to work."

Isabelle smirked.  "I knew you'd say that.  You are so predictable."  Izzy might have meant it jokingly, but Alec flushed with warmth at her words.  It meant he hadn't changed, that he was still the same person he had always been, even if it sometimes didn't feel that way.

"Today I actually have a plan," Isabelle admitted.  "I know things got a little heavy last night when you woke up, so this morning we are going to follow Catarina's advice, and take it slow."  She gave Alec a reassuring smile.  "I know you are anxious to get back to work, be a productive member of the team, blah blah blah."  Alec huffed out a laugh.  Izzy had always made fun of him for his rigid work ethic.  "To do that, I'm going to bring you up to speed on the present authority structure within the Institute."

"Ok," Alec said slowly, confusion starting to seep in.  "Aren't mom and dad still running the Institute?"

"No, Alec," Izzy said, placing a comforting hand on his lower arm. "They are working in Idris.  Do you-"

Alec cut her off.  "Why?  Did something bad happen?  Did we do something wrong?"  The optimism he felt when he woke up was quickly draining away, and being replaced with something that felt suspiciously like panic.  

"No, Alec.  Don't worry about that now.  Mom and dad are fine.  Max too.  The Institute has just undergone a few... changes, in the recent past."  Isabelle watched closely while Alec sucked in a couple of big breaths.  He steadied himself, and nodded for her to continue.  "Catarina mentioned some names to you last night.  They are all very good friends of yours."

Alec looked at her skeptically. That didn't sound like him.  It had always been Alec and Izzy and Jace, a trio against the world.  Alec was content that way.  He didn't need anyone else.

"It's true, hermano," Isabelle confirmed gently.  "I know it might seem weird, but it's true." She paused to let Alec digest the new information.  "One of those friends, I'd say your best friend, actually, is a man named Jem Carstairs.  He is the Head of the Institute, with you as Acting Head."

Well holy fuck, if that didn't cause Alec to boil over with rage.  The anger came on suddenly, and stunned him with its ferocity.  Isabelle could see that he was struggling, and her eyes opened wide, but she didn't push him.  She waited patiently to see what Alec would say.

He didn't know where to start.  "What the hell, Izzy?  This is what you call starting small?"  His hands were shaking with the emotion he felt. Alec was usually very much in control, and these intense mood swings were quite frankly terrifying.  

"I...I thought so," Isabelle replied, sounding distressed.  Her big brown doe eyes never left Alec's face, and he was stabbed with a profound feeling of regret.  

"Damn it, I'm sorry Iz.  I know you are just trying to help me.  I didn't mean to take my anger out on you."

"It's alright," Isabelle answered, and the smile on her face was genuine.  She really wasn't mad.  "One of the side affects of a brain contusion can be difficulty managing your emotions. It's perfectly normal, Alec."   _It's official,_ Alec thought, _Isabelle Lightwood is the world's best sister._ "Take your time, and explain to me what made you so upset."

Baring his soul and airing his fears was not easy for Alec, but he trusted Izzy unconditionally.  He decided to start at the beginning, and work his way through. "Well, first of all, you called some random guy my best friend?  How do I even know him?  What about Jace?"

"Man, you are right, this isn't starting small.  Even when I try to give you a little piece of important information, like who our boss is, it turns into a whole big deal that leads to a bunch more questions."  Isabelle moved closer to Alec, so that their hips were touching on the bed.  She put one arm around his back, offering comfort and security.  "Well, Jem came to the Institute at the same time as one of your other...uh.. friends disappeared.  You and Jem worked closely on the rescue mission, and became fast friends.  You've been crazy-close ever since.  That hasn't affected your bond with Jace.  How could it, you are parabati.  You grew up together.  Jace is closer than a friend; he's your brother."

There it was. Confirmation that sometime, somehow, Alec had gotten over his inappropriate feelings for Jace.  "Ok, but how did this guy...Jem, right?"  Izzy nodded.  "How did Jem get to be Head of the Institute?"

"You recommended him," Izzy answered lightly.  "They offered the position to you, but you didn't want it.  You argued with the Clave that Jem was the best person for the job, and they eventually agreed, provided that you remained as Acting Head."

That was mind blowing.  Alec had been groomed his whole life to be Head of the Institute.  It's what his parents wanted.  He thought it was what he wanted.  What could possibly make him turn the opportunity down?  "Why?" he whispered.

Isabelle knew exactly what Alec was asking.  Growing up, she had a front row seat too how hard their parents pushed Alec.  "You got a life of your own, Alec, and it meant more to you than being Head.  Pleasing our parents isn't your priority anymore.  Being there for your friends and family is."

"And my boyfriend?" Alec asked quietly.

"Obviously," Izzy answered with a smile.  "He's just considered family at this point."  She bumped his shoulder, and he grinned down at her shyly.  

"It's still...it's really...I don't like that everyone knows I'm gay," Alec admitted in a rush.

"That's understandable, Alec.  But try not to worry about it too much.  You still are the same guy you've always been.  And you keep your personal life pretty private.  I promise, it won't be a topic of conversation in the Institute, unless you want it to be."

That was...comforting.  The shame was still there, but what Izzy said had helped a lot.  "Now what?" he wondered.

"Now, we go talk to Jem."  Just like that, the anxiety was back, like tiny butterflies fluttering in Alec's stomach.  How did you prepare to talk to your best friend, who you couldn't remember meeting?  "He's pretty much the kindest, gentlest, yet most bad-ass Shadowhunter in history.  Trust me," Izzy said.

He did.  Totally and completely.  With his hand on his stomach in an attempt to calm his nerves, Alec followed his sister out of his room, and into the Institute for the first time since losing his memories.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter we meet Jem, and there is more parabati interaction.


	5. Chapter 5

Meeting with Jem went better than Alec could have ever dreamed.  Izzy was right, he was a gentle and compassionate soul.  There were some stretches of silence, but Jem never rushed to fill them, just let Alec figure things out in his own good time.  Sometimes the other Alec, the one with the memories and the friends and the boyfriend, seemed like a really foreign concept, so it had been a huge relief to realize that he would want to be friends with Jem, even now.

"I'll let you know a little secret," Jem said conspiratorially.  "I rarely, if ever, make a decision as Institute Head without consulting you first."  Alec stared at Jem blankly, and Jem's smile faltered just a little.  "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound pushy.  I understand that you are probably not ready to jump right back into work, I just thought you should know how much I value your opinion.  Take all the time you need-"

Alec held up a hand to cut Jem off.  "No, actually, that sounds great."  His face changed from a blank expression to one of cautious joy.  "I don't want to sit around, doing nothing.  I want to be useful, and feel useful."

Jem's smile returned, and Alec felt his own widen in response.  Working side by side with Jem was something Alec was actually looking forward to.  His parents had never taken his ideas on how to run the Institute into consideration.  Alec's title as Acting Head was sort of a joke under their leadership.  He and everyone else still answered directly to Maryse and Robert, even when they were absent.  Knowing that Jem saw him as an equal, as someone with the intelligence and ability to run the Institute, gave Alec a huge boost of confidence.

It was that confidence that led Alec to ask his next question.  "Can you tell me how we met?  I mean, I know why you came to the Institute, and that we were on a mission together.  I guess I was just hoping you could...uh...sort of describe that?"  Alec trailed off a little miserably.  Expressing himself had never been his strong suit, especially when it came to asking for something.  He was used to being told what to do, and being expected to carry out orders, regardless of his personal preference.

Jem didn't seem to mind Alec's stumbling in the slightest.  "It's a long story, but I think I can fill you in on the pertinent details fairly quickly."  

Alec sat back as Jem told him a tale of kidnapping and impostors, of Warlocks and Vampires and Werewolves.  It all sounded like one of Izzy's fairytales from when they were children.  The jist of it seemed to be, Alec was very good friends with a Warlock named Magnus Bane.  A rogue Shadowhunter had kidnapped Magnus, and Alec spearheaded the mission to find and rescue him.  When the current Institute Head was unwilling to help, Magnus's friends in the Downworld had stepped up to join the team.  And now, apparently, Alec was pals with a Warlock, a Werewolf, and a Vampire.

It was a hard concept to wrap his head around.  'Downworlders are slaves to their emotions' was something that Maryse had grilled into himself and his siblings for years.  Alec knew that Izzy and Jace had the occasional dalliance with a Downworlder, but Alec had never felt the desire or understood the draw.  Now some of his best friends were Downworlders?  How had he changed so much?

He echoed the thought to Jem. "I...uh...was taught that Shadowhunters shouldn't get mixed up in Downworlder affairs.  It's hard to jump from that, to having Downworlders as close friends."  Alec rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly and pursed his lips.  "I wish I could fill in the blanks a little."  He looked over the desk at Jem, who was glancing down with a wistful expression on his face.  "I guess you don't really know too much?"

"You're right, I don't, but I'm assuming it has a lot to do with Magnus."  Alec cocked his head and raised an eyebrow at Jem.  For the first time, the other man seemed slightly wrongfooted.  "I just meant, you and Magnus have formed a real bond.  Once that friendship was forged, letting other Downworlders into you life probably came a lot more easily."  Jem looked a little like a deer caught in headlights.  "Most of the old prejudices surrounding Downworlders have been overcome, at least at this Institute.  I'm actually dating a Warlock.  Her name is Tessa, you've met her.  And when you are ready, I'll introduce you again."

"I'd love to hear how I became such good friends with a Warlock," Alec mused.  "That must have made mom and dad so proud."

"For that, you'll have to talk to Magnus," Jem replied.  "When you're ready," he added, when he saw the hesitation in Alec's eyes.  

Alec nodded slowly.  He knew Jem wouldn't rush him into anything he didn't feel comfortable doing.  

"I can tell you something, and hopefully this will help.  Magnus likes to call you, himself, and Luke 'parabatri'. When someone else joins, like me, or Simon, we are the 'parabatribe'."  Jem smiled sweetly at Alec.  "I think Magnus mostly does it to drive Jace crazy, but it's also because of how much he cares, for you and all his friends."  Alec laughed out loud at that.  Being a part of a group, who cared for and supported each other, regardless of their status in the Shadow World, sounded amazing.  And if it made Jace pissy, that was just an added bonus.

Alec rose from his chair, and leaned on the desk.  "Thanks, Jem.  You've been a big help.  I'm glad we are friends."  Even though it was true, Alec still felt embarrassed saying it out loud.  He extended his hand across the desk for Jem to shake, but the other man just shook his head.

"Nope, no handshakes here," Jem said merrily.  He strode around the desk and hugged Alec tightly.  After a moment's pause, Alec hugged back.  "Get used to it, Alec.  We are an affectionate bunch.  I've broken you into hugging once, I can do it again."

Alec usually avoided hugging other males at all costs.  He didn't want anyone to guess his sexual orientation, or think he was trying to cop a feel.  He certainly didn't want Jace to catch onto his feelings.  But according to Izzy, everyone knew he was gay.  And yet, Jem had still hugged him.  He hadn't thought Alec was disgusting, or assumed that because they were both guys, Alec would be instantly attracted to him.  It was just an encouraging hug between two friends, with no ulterior motives or hidden agendas.  And Alec decided that yes, he could probably get used to it.

***

Alec felt great as he left Jem's office and wandered to the training room in search of Jace. The people he met in the hallways were nice, and while there were a few unfamiliar faces, Alec didn't let that phase him too much.  He was the Acting Head of the Institute.  People respected and trusted him.  Not because his last name was Lightwood, but because he had proven himsef as a strong and competent leader.  

Jace was already hard at work, doing pull-ups seemingly effortlessly when Alec arrived.  "Show off," Alec muttered, just loud enough that Jace would hear him.  

The blonde Shadowhunter shot Alec a cocky grin in the mirror before jumping down in front of his parabati.  "Let's do some weapons training," Jace suggested, and Alec quickly agreed.  The seraph blade had never been his weapon of choice.  Alec had always done better with his bow and arrows, but sometimes fighting in close quarters required blade-work, and Alec could always use the practise.

Right away Alec knew that something was wrong.  He just felt...off.  Like his body wasn't properly repsonding to the commands he was giving it.  Jace took full advantage, knocking the blade out of his hand and pinning Alec up against the wall in a matter of minutes.  "Again," Alec ground out between gritted teeth.

The second attempt was no better.  Jace had his blade pressed against Alec's throat in an embarrassingly short amount of time.  "Fuck," Alec spit out.  His mood had taken a drastic turn in the last five minutes.

"What's going on, Alec?" Jace asked.  "You are slow and uncoordinated.  Maybe it's too soon after what happened for you to be training?"

There was an undercurrent of worry in Jace's tone, but it was lost on Alec.  All he heard was _slow and uncoordinated, slow and uncoordinated,_ looped on repeat through his head.  Since Jace's arrival, Alec had always been second best, in the eyes of his parents.  It left him questioning his worth more than once.  Conversely, Jace had an over-abundance of self confidence, to the point where many found him arrogant and egotistical.  But this was the first time, in the many years they spent growing up together and as parabati, that Alec felt like Jace was judging him.  That Jace was measuring Alec up, and finding him lacking.   _Slow and uncoordinated..._

Without warning, Alec rushed towards his parabati, blade swinging wildly through the air.  Jace barley had time to get into a defensive stance before Alec ran straight into him, knocking him over with the force of his much larger body.  "What the fuck?" Jace hissed.  Alec had Jace pinned beneath him on the training room floor.  He idly thought about how close to a fantasy of his this was, but he presently felt nothing but anger.  It served Jace right, for thinking he was better than Alec at everything, for making fun of him.

Jace grabbed his lower left arm with his right hand and hissed again.  Alec's eyes fell to the area, and he was shocked to see blood seeping through Jace's fingers.  "Did...did I do that?" he asked, eyes blown wide.

Jace looked at him with contempt, and bucked him off.  Alec landed on his ass with an undignified thump.  "Who the fuck else was here, Alec?  Of course you cut me.  You came at me like a crazy person with that seraph blade.  What were you thinking?"

 _Slow and uncoordinated.  Like a crazy person._ Alec couldn't get the buzzing in his head to stop.  "I'm sorry, Jace," he said humbly.  What was wrong with him?

"I applied an irazarte, and the bleeding seems to have stopped."  Jace eyed Alec warily.  "But seriously, what were you thinking?  Were you trying to injure me?"

"No."   _Yes.  Maybe._

The confusion Alec felt must have slipped through into his voice.  Jace's whole body tightened up, and the look he gave Alec was almost offended.  "Is this because..." Jace shook his head and turned, walking away from Alec.

"Because...what?" Alec had also become tense.  "Because what, Jace?"

Jace angled his body back in Alec's direction.  "You know what, never mind.  Forget it Alec.  You've had an accident and hurt your head, and I shouldn't be bringing that shit up right now."  He heaved out a large sigh, and moved to leave the training room.

"So I got hurt less than two days ago, and you're already writing me off?  Fuck you, Jace," Alec screamed.  "Thanks for your support," he spit out sarcastically.  Taking large strides on his long legs, Alec pushed into Jace's personal space in just a few steps.  He shoved a finger into the blonde Shadowhunter's chest, poking him as he said, " you've always thought you were better than me."

"That's not the problem!" Jace yelled back.  "The problem is, you're in love with me, and you don't know how to handle it."

"I'm not," Alec protested, his voice the faintest whisper.  As soon as he said it, he realized it was true.  There were some mixed-up emotions about Jace running through Alec.  Maybe some envy, and longing, and a little bit of lust.  But love?  No, Alec didn't love Jace.  At least, not the way his parabati was implying.  "I'm not.  In love with you," he repeated, in a much louder tone.  Jace looked blindsided.  He dropped his eyes from Alec's to the floor.  "The problem is, I have a head injury.  I've got some kind of weird brain thing going on, and it's fucking with my memories and my emotions and even my god damn coordination.  And instead of you being supportive, you're acting like a world class dick.  Calling me slow.  Making it all about you, and my supposed love for you. Well guess what, Jace, sometimes the fucking world doesn't revolve around you."  Alec was panting at the end of his rant.  It felt intoxicatingly good, to get that all off his chest.

"How long have you felt that way?" Jace wondered, stalking quickly toward Alec.

"A long time," Alec answered back honestly. 

Jace stopped when he was right in front of Alec.  He raised his arm, and for a split second Alec thought he was going to hug him.  Instead, he was hit with a pounding punch to the face.  Alec fell to the floor hard, Jace landing on top of him.  He braced himself for another blow when a voice cried out "STOP!"  Jace flew off Alec, and ran towards the door.  With a spinning head, Alec propped himself up on his elbows.  Jem was there, grabbing Jace by the arm and forcing him back around.  "I don't know what the hell is going on here," Jem said, his voice cold as ice, "but **your brother** ," Jem put heavy emphasis on those last words, "has a head injury.  Pummelling him in the face is not the brightest idea."

Jace glanced back over his shoulder and blanched.  "Oh God, I'm sorry Alec."  Through the parabati bond, Alec could feel Jace's remorse.  And something else.  Was it...jealousy?  Before Alec could answer, Jace escaped the room.

Jem walked over and offered Alec help getting up.  "Here," he said, slipping something into Alec's hand.  "It's the new phone we talked about earlier.  I've pre-programmed it with all your contacts."

"Thanks," Alec replied, still struggling to clear his head.  What the hell had just happened?  What would have happened if Jem didn't show up when he did?  Were he and Jace ok?

Jem's face was mild and compassionate.  "Hey, I don't want you to think I am stalking you, but I was observing your training session with Jace.  It seemed like you were having a little trouble."

 _Slow and uncoordinated.  "_ Yah," Alec admitted in a low voice.

Jem waited for Alec to elaborate, but when he didn't, Jem said, "Catarina warned us that's normal, Alec.  Don't get too upset about it."

Alec's face twisted into a grimace.  "Unless it's permanent," he practically snarled.  "Then I'll be the most useless Shadowhunter on the face of the earth."

Alec expected Jem to placate him, or reassure him in some way.  Instead he said, "you should talk to Magnus."

"What?"  Alec hadn't been expecting that at all.

"Magnus," Jem repeated.  "He's an expert in quite a few martial arts.  If you need help with balance and coordination, I bet he'd be happy to lend a hand."

 _Slow and uncoordinated._ "Do you really think so?" Alec asked, sounding unbelieving.

"I do," Jem assured.

* * *

Magnus was standing on his balcony, sipping a glass of red wine, when he received a call from an unknown number.  He hit decline immediately.  Magnus was about to slip the phone back into his pocket when a text from the same number came through.  One word on the screen jumped out at him.  Alec.

He hastily read through the long-winded message.  Poor Alec, it must have been a struggle for the uptight Shadowhunter to lay so much on the line like this.

 

**Hi Magnus, this is Alec Lightwood.  I've got a new phone.  Anyway, Jem's been telling me I should talk to you, and I guess he's right.  I'm sorry, I don't remember you yet, but I'd like to get together and talk about some stuff, see if I can jog my memory.  I also wonder if you'd be able to help me with my sudden lack of balance?  Jem says you are just the person to talk to.  So, I look forward to hearing from you.**

 

Only Alexander Lightwood could come across in a text as jittery and oddly professional at the same time.  Magnus's fingers flew over the keys in his haste to write a reply.

 

**Come to the loft tomorrow at 7.  We'll have supper and chat.  Any of your friends know the way.**

 

Magnus gripped his phone tightly, waiting for Alec to answer.  A few minutes went by, causing Magnus's hand to get clammy with sweat.  Did he come on to strong?  Was tomorrow too soon?  What was the appropriate way to ask your amnesiac boyfriend over?

Magnus had never been so happy to hear a text message notification.

 

**Ok, see you then. Thanks Magnus.**

 

Magnus knew it was incredibly stupid to get his hopes up over a couple of text messages.  Especially when Alec had just said his memories were still gone. He'd probably end up getting his heart broken.  Again.

But this was Alexander.   _He's worth it,_ Magnus thought, a rueful smile playing on his lips.  He always had been a sucker for love.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter, MALEC!


	6. Chapter 6

Travelling to Magnus's the next day, Alec reflected on how glad he was to have Jem with him. If it had been Jace or Izzy, watching them interact with Magnus would be a brutal reminder that he was missing chunks of time. By having Jem take him, he could almost pretend that a new friend was introducing him to another new friend.

With Jem, he was also free to look at other guys, something he never would have done with one of his siblings present.  In fact, it's not something Alec had ever consciously let himself do before.  It was like admitting he didn't love Jace opened up a dam inside of him.  He had spent the previous night, after the training session with Jace, probing at his feelings towards his parabati.  Even in his own mind, Alec had never liked to classify his sexuality.  Whenever the thought of _I like guys_ or _I'm gay_ came into his head, Alec shoved it out as quick as he could. 

Loving Jace had been something for Alec to hide behind, he realized.  It was a forbidden relationship, one that could never happen.  As long as he lusted after his straight parabati, he had been safe.

Now Alec knew that wasn't true.  Jace had known, and he was pretty sure Isabelle did too.  But the worst consequence of all was the shame Alec had felt.  Because liking boys was bad enough.  Being attracted to your adoptive sibling?  That was disgusting.  Nauseating.  Hateful.  Vile.  So while pining for Jace had kept him from thinking about other guys, in the long run, his obsession had hurt him in ways he had never foreseen.  Living for years with the guilt had caused Alec a great deal of personal pain.  There were quite a few times where he questioned his self-worth, and even wondered if anyone would really miss him if he just disappeared from the face of the earth.

While his fight with Jace had been distressing, Alec understood that it had also been inevitable.   Regardless of his head injury, and how Alec had reacted to Jace's inconsiderate comments, they had needed to expose the elephant in the room, and discuss Alec's preferences.  Maybe things hadn't gone perfectly, but it wasn't the first time they had resorted to fist fighting, and it probably wouldn't be the last.  Alec wasn't good with words, or expressing his inner feelings, and he knew Jace wasn't either.  But Alec wanted to have his old relationship back, where they were brothers and friends as well as parabati.

Alec had seen Jace right before they left for Magnus's.  He had nodded at the blonde Shadowhunter, and after a slight pause, Jace had grinned and nodded back.  It was a start.  No matter how distasteful it might be, Alec promised himself he would sit down with Jace and have a real conversation.  Soon.  Just thinking about it made him start to panic.

Jem picked up on Alec's agitation.  "I hope you're not worried about visiting Magnus.  Remember, he's already your friend, you can't screw this up."

Shit.  Alec closed his eyes and rubbed his temples.  He hadn't been nervous about seeing Magnus, until Jem mentioned it.  Now that the seed of doubt was planted, it was growing at an alarming rate.  Alec could not do this.  It wasn't like meeting Jem.  Magnus was a Downworlder.  Alec didn't have a clue how to relate to a Warlock.  This was a big mistake.

When he opened his eyes, Jem was studying him intently.  "What's got you so worked up, Alec?" Jem asked quietly.  He reached out a tentative hand and grasped Alec's shoulder.  Alec shuddered initially, but the forceful touch eventually helped ground him.  He felt his heartbeat slow and his breathing ease slightly.

"I have no idea how to hold a conversation with a Warlock," Alec admitted frankly. 

Jem snorted loudly.  "This may surprise you, but you can talk to Magnus like you would talk to me.  It's really no different."  Alec opened his mouth to disagree, but Jem cut him off.  "Seriously, Alec, you need to stop putting everyone into little boxes.  Shadowhunters, Downworlders, Mundanes.  We are all just people."

Maybe it was a bit of an oversimplification, but Jem's philosophy still rang true.  It also made Alec feel like a snob.  "It's not just that Magnus is a Warlock.  I'm bad with meeting new people, and making small talk in general."

Jem clutched his shoulder one last time before dropping his hand.  "You won't have to worry about that with Magnus.  He's an expert at idle chit-chat and talking his way out of tricky situations."

Slightly mollified by that, Alec decided to go into the meeting with an open mind.  He took all his preconceived notions about Warlocks, passed down from his parents, and threw them away.  In the end, it wasn't even hard.  All Alec had to do was think about Magnus's willingness to help him.  Alec's parents hadn't bothered to visit after the injury.  Maryse had sent one letter, asking if he was still able to perform his duties.  So far, he hadn't bothered to reply.  It didn't escape Alec's notice that a Downworlder, someone the elder Lightwoods surely would have judged and avoided, had been quicker to answer him in his time of need than his own flesh and blood.

"Tell me a little about Magnus," Alec requested restlessly.  He had always liked to gather information before traipsing into the unknown.  Jace was the kind of person who just dived into everything, head first and heedless of the consequences.  Alec was a methodical planner.  Being armed with a least a small description of Magnus should help his current trepidation.

Jem didn't answer straight away.  He looked deep in thought, and Alec could almost see the other man sorting through the details of Magnus's life, deciding what would be appropriate information to reveal before the meeting.  Eventually he nodded, and said, "I guess a brief description woud not be a bad idea, and it might even put your mind at ease."  Alec hoped so.  "Well, you've probably already figured this out, but Magnus is old.  He had been alive for centuries by the time I met him in the 1800's."

Whoa.  That actually came as a shock to Alec.  Sure, he knew Warlocks were immortal beings.  He had just sort of...forgotten...in the face of meeting one.  "I'm friends with someone who is literally hundreds of years older than me?"  Jace liked to tease Alec that he was the most boring person on the face of the earth.  Why would an immortal Warlock want to hang out with someone as uninteresting as Alec?

Jem nodded, with a sorrowful look on his face.  "I know what you are thinking, Alec.  Stop.  It's not true."

Of course it was true.  His own parents thought he was second rate.  Alec didn't expect anyone else to feel any differently.

And yet, some people did, he could admit that was true.  Izzy had always loved him the most, and accepted him, just as he was.  His little brother Max looked up to him, almost in a hero-type way.  And apparently Jem thought he was worthy of co-running the Institute, along with being friends.

Maybe Magnus really did enjoy Alec's company.  There must be something the Warlock liked about him, since acccording to Jem, they were very close friends.  "Sorry, I just got a little stressed for a second.  Keep going."

Jem pursed his lips.  Alec could tell he was weighing his words carefully, trying not to cause anymore alarm.  "You should probably know that Magnus is a very powerful Warlock.  In fact, he's the High Warlock of Brooklyn."  Jem studied Alec's face to make sure he wasn't upset.  "Magnus would never flaunt his title.  It most likely won't come up at all."

Interesting. And mildly terrifying.  Just a few days ago, Alec had been severely injured by a Warlock, and now he was willingly meeting the most powerful Warlock in the area, at his own residence?  Maybe that bump to the head had turned Alec insane.

"We're here," Jem announced, as they walked up to a nondescript brick building.

Travelling up the stairs to Magnus's place passed by in a blur for Alec.  There were too many thoughts and emotions crowding in his head.  He vaguely heard Jem knock on the door.  When it was answered, all the noise and distractions were pushed firmly from his mind by one overwhelming certainty.

Magnus Bane was exquisite.

Alec found himself staring dumbly at the man who was leaning on the door jam, talking to Jem while eyeing Alec up.  He was the most beautiful person that Alec had ever seen in real life.  And ok, maybe he had tried not to gawk openly at other guys too much in the past.  But still, Magnus was breathtaking.  He had rich brown eyes and glossy ebony hair, long on the top and shaved short on the sides.  His eyes were made even more alluring by the eyeliner and hint of shadow on his lids.  Alec had never considered makeup as something meant for men, but damn, it sure worked on Magnus.  He wore a button-up shirt in royal blue, with the top few buttons undone, showing off a tantalizing view of toned chest.  His pants were black, and tight in all the right places.  And his skin.  It was silky and smooth, the colour of toffee, and Alec just wanted to reach out and stroke it, to make sure it was as soft as it looked.  It suddenly occurred to Alec that he was gaping openly at Magnus, and he hurriedly dropped his gaze to the floor.  He was hard-pressed to stifle a groan when he noticed that Magnus was bare-foot, and his cute toes were painted a deep blue to match his shirt.

 _Don't be a creep,_ Alec admonished himself.   _Magnus is your friend._

"Welcome, Alexander," Magnus said in a honeyed tone, a smirk dancing over his lips.  Very plush, plump pink lips.  Sinful lips positively made for kissing.

Fuck.  Alec was in deep trouble.  When Magnus turned and beckoned the Shadowhunters to follow him into the loft, Alec did his very best to not stare at the firm ass hugged by form-fitting pants as it sashayed away.

It was a battle he lost almost instantly.

* * *

Magnus was hit with a powerful sense of déjà vu.  The way Alec was looking at him...it was just like the first time they met, all those months ago.  Warmth flushed his body.  Alec still obviously found him attractive.  But on the flip side of the coin, Alec's reaction also confirmed that he didn't recognize Magnus at all.  The heat he had felt dissipated rapidly, replaced by icy cold terror clutching at his heart.  Magnus shivered subtly, fighting to mask his unease in front of his guests.  

He needed to pull himself together, cancel the pity party he was throwing, and concentrate on making Alexander feel comfortable.  Magnus slapped what he hoped was a fetching smile on his face, and turned around to address his guests.  "I'm sure you have already figured this out, but I feel rude not properly introducing myself.  I'm Magnus Bane."  He extended his hand towards the Shadowhunter, partly as a welcoming gesture, but mainly as an excuse to touch Alec.  His body burned with a feverish need to feel Alexander's skin, to have physical confirmation that he was real, and standing in Magnus's house.

Alec smiled wryly, and grasped Magnus's hand.  The grip was firm, yet gentle, and Magnus felt his stomach swoop.   A flicker of emotion crossed Alec's face, but it was gone before Magnus had a chance to pinpoint what it was.  They stood locked in the handshake for just a beat too long, until Jem cleared his throat and Alec released Magnus's hand hastily.

"Right.  Well, follow me, Shadowhunters.  Let's have a quick cocktail before dinner is served."  Magnus steeled his voice to sound light and unconcerned.  He hadn't planned on serving alcohol before the meal, but he was in desperate need of something to calm his nerves.  Perhaps a double.

Magnus poured Alec and Jem each a glass of wine he knew they would enjoy, then mixed himself a large martini.  Alec watched him beadily as Magnus chugged his drink like a drunken frat boy.   _Get used to it, Lightwood,_ Magnus thought with a snicker, as he made himself another drink.  A healthy dose of liquid courage was his plan on surviving the evening.

Jem cleared his throat again, and Magnus realized they had been standing in an awkward silence for far too long.  It was unacceptable.  Whatever the circumstances, Magnus could always be relied on as a magnificent host and party planner.  He gestured grandly, "shall we head to the dining room?"

Once Magnus has recalled his role as gracious host, dinner went well.  At least, he thought it did.  Magnus and Jem kept up a steady stream of pleasant conversation, while Alec took everything in, interjecting sporadically with a comment.  But if Magnus wasn't mistaken, Alec actually looked like he was mellowing as the night went on.  His stiff posture became more relaxed, and his face became more animated.  Magnus knew that Alec could be quite closed-off and reserved, so having him loosen up so quickly felt like a step in the right direction.

Still, this was not Magnus's Alexander, and it was quite easy to remember that.  There were no secret smiles or lingering looks.  There was, however, avid interest in Alec's eyes, and Magnus let hope well up inside him once again.  

Jem made his excuses and departed for the Institute, leaving Alec and Magnus alone for the first time since Alec's injury.  It reminded Magnus to ask after Alexander's health.  "How are you feeling?  Are you recovering well?"

Alec made an undignified snorting sound, then flushed red, obviously embarrassed.  "Sorry.  Yah, I'm healing up fine.  No lasting pain or anything."  He fiddled with a small hole in the knee of his jeans, and Magnus wanted to lean forward and grab his hands to stop the nervous movements.

"That's not what I meant," Magnus explained gently.  "How are you coping with the...side effects?"

"You mean, how I am handling being the crazy guy that lost his memories?"  Alec shot Magnus a mocking smile, and looked like he was about to utter another sarcastic statement.  Magnus gazed back patiently, and whatever Alec saw in the Warlock's face, it was enough to snap him out of his cynical mood.  "Uh, not to well, actually," he admitted in a low voice.

Magnus wanted to hug him, but he's pretty sure that it would not welcome right now.  Instead, he said, "do you want to tell me about it?"

And oddly enough, Alec did.  As he explained to Magnus about the mood swings, the incoordination, and the confusing gaps in time, Magnus found himself falling even more in love.  Alec was handling things like he always did, with bravery and strength.  It was really quite commendable.  Too bad his upbringing always left him second guessing himself.

"I'm sorry to dump this all on you.  We don't really know each other..." Alec trailed off.

"Oh, but we do!" Magnus exclaimed excitedly.  "And I'm so glad you felt comfortable enough to share this with me."  Magnus patted Alec's knee in a friendly gesture, and was rewarded with a shy look through long, dark eyelashes.  Magnus fervently hoped that Alec didn't have some type of advanced listening Rune activated, otherwise he'd be able to hear Magnus's heart attempt to beat its way out of his chest.  "I'd like to help you, in any way I can.  What can I do?"

In the face of Magnus's blatant enthusiasm, Alec became quite flustered.  Forming a coherent sentence seemed to be too much of a struggle, so Magnus took pity on him.  "You mentioned balance problems?  Is that something you would like to work on?" 

"Uh, yah, eventually.  Just not right now."  Alec sucked in a deep breath.  "What I'd really like is to know how we met, and became friends."  Why did Alec seem so embarrassed by this request?  Magnus vowed to put the Shadowhunter at ease.

"Oh, that's an exciting story," Magnus said fondly.  "The first time we met, you saved my life."

Alec's head popped up.  "Really?" he squeaked, like that was a totally unbelievable concept.

"Yup," Magnus confirmed with a tender smile.  "You made quite the impact on me."

"Then what happened?" Alec asked breathlessly, leaning forward on the edge of his seat.  It was going to be hard to keep this conversation pleasant, if Magnus had to start talking about Memory Demons and loveless marriage proposals.

"I've got an idea," Magnus mused.  "Why don't I give you a broad overview right now.  Later I'll write things down in more detail, and send it over to the Institute.  You could read it at your leisure.  Then we can meet up again, and I'll fill in any blanks you still have."  Magnus looked at Alec expectantly.  "How does that sound?"

"Yah, ok, I like that idea," Alec answered.  "It will keep me from interrupting you all the time."  Alec smiled, and drily said, "evertime I'm presented with a new piece of information, it seems like I have ten more questions to be answered."

"Exactly!" Magnus said with a return smile at Alec.  "That's total normal.  I think this will work."  Magnus took a few moments to contemplate how to best present the story.

"Well, as I said, during our first meeting, you saved my life.  You really are a spectacular shot with that bow and arrow."  Magnus patted Alec on the knee again, and this time left his hand there.  Alec glanced down at it, but didn't appear uncomfortable, so Magnus continued. "You and your friends helped save the lives of other Warlocks that day, too.  I found myself casting my usual mistrust of Shadowhunters aside, in the face of your evident integrity."  Alec looked at Magnus questioningly, but didn't interrupt.  Magnus gave his leg a quick squeeze, and said, "for reasons unclear even to myself, I threw caution to the wind and decided you were different; you were someone I could count on, and trust."

Alec shook his head disbelievingly. It hurt Magnus, to see Alec's self confidence so low.  When they had first met, Magnus witnessed Alec defer to Jace more than once.  It took a while before Alec really blossomed, and became sure of his skills and leadership.  Hopefully, Magnus would be able to help Alec recapture that sense of certainly and faith in himself.

Magnus gave Alec's knee a soothing rub, before crossing his arms on his chest and leaning back in his chair.  "I guess if you are looking for when we became friends, it was the night you helped me heal Luke.  Do you know Luke?  He's the leader of the New York Werewolf pack."

Alec nodded, and replied, "Jem's told me a bit about him."

"Luke was dying from the effects of an alpha bite.  While I was waiting for potion ingredients, you supplied me with strength so I could keep Luke alive.  That night, you stayed over at the loft, and we got to know each other better."  As soon as the words left Magnus's mouth, he realized how dirty they sounded.  Maybe Alec wouldn't notice.

"We...what?  I stayed over?"  Alec sounded panicked.  

Magnus did his best to maintain a nonchalant air.  "We got to know each other better, by talking.  You stayed over, and we talked into the next morning."  Magnus grinned sheepishly.  "Sorry if I made it sound tawdry."

"No, it's...fine," Alec muttered.  He rubbed a large hand over his face and through his hair. Magnus could feel the distress rolling off of him.

"Hey, I think that's good for tonight, don't you?"  Magnus kept his voice upbeat and encouraging, hoping Alec would respond positively.  It worked.  Tension bleed out of his shoulders, and Alec nodded, smiling kindly at Magnus.

"Thanks for everything, Magnus," Alec said, as he pulled himself out of his chair.  "For the drinks, and supper, and the conversation."  Alec shifted from foot to foot.  "Most of all, thanks for the support.  I'm guessing this isn't easy for you either, having a friend who can't remember you.  You've been so kind and patient with me, and I really appreciate it."

No, it definitely wasn't easy on Magnus, but what else could he do?  He'd go to the ends of the earth and beyond to help Alec, no matter what the outcome or personal cost.

"You're welcome, Alexander," Magnus replied softly. With compassionate hands, Magnus spun Alec around, and guided him towards the portal that would lead him back to the Institute.  "I hope to see you soon."

"You will," Alec promised.  The last thing Magnus saw was Alec's heartbreaking smile as he twisted around one last time to lock eyes with Magnus, before the portal disappeared.  Magnus stood frozen on the spot, too overstimulated by the evening's events to move anywhere more comfortable.  He was unsure how long he was rooted there before a knock on the door roused him.

A slender girl with hair the colour of flames slipped into the loft and wrapped her arms around Magnus's waist.  "Jem thought you could use some company," Clary explained.  

Gratitude flooded through Magnus, fast and thick.  He had been dreading spending another night alone after Alec's visit.  The Shadowhunter's scent still lingered in the air, teasing Magnus with the memories of happier times.  Magnus rested his chin on Clary's head and sighed.  "I could at that.  Thank you for coming, Biscuit." 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my previous chaptered Malec fic (Love found and lost), Clary and Alec become good friends while searching for Magnus. That continues in this story.

For the first time since waking up without his memories, Alec felt almost...content.  He'd been happy and confused, scared and optimistic, nervous and sad, but content was a new emotion for him.  This future that he had built for himself seemed pretty fantastic.  Yes, it was very different from the life he had envisioned for himself as Head of the Institute with a wife and family.  But that actually might be a good thing.

Alec felt a smile slip onto his face, and from the abrupt elbow he received to his ribs, the pleased look didn't go unnoticed by his companion.  

"How did things go with Magnus last night?" Isabelle asked, casting a knowing glance at her brother.  They were out in the city conducting an early morning patrol.  Neither Lightwood needed to be there.  Isabelle was still on light duties, and as Acting Head of the Institute, Alec wasn't required to go on routine patrols anymore.  It was the magic of unspoken sibling bonds that led them both seek a circumstance where they could talk, alone and unfiltered.

Alec flushed at the question.  His body was betraying him like a teenager with their first crush.  He could feel Isabelle's sharp eyes focussed on his face, and he hoped that the rising sun cast enough shadow to hide the blush warming his neck and cheeks.  "Yah, Magnus.  It went..." images of the previous night danced through Alec's mind.  Magnus's rich brown eyes, sparkling with care and compassion.  His long neck thrown back in a laugh, prominent Adam's apple exposed and white teeth gleaming.  The feel of Magnus's hand on his knee, offering support.  "...great."  Alec finished lamely.  "It went great."

Izzy shot him the trademark Lightwood sibling eye roll.  Alec grinned in recognition; it was like gazing into a mirror.  They had both perfected the look at an early age.  "Great?  Like, what was great?  Did you remember anything?"

Alec shook his head.  "No, I didn't remember Magnus, or any specific memories.  I just felt...comfortable, I guess.  Not how I usually am around new people, and in new surroundings.  It was like my body recognized that Magnus and I were friends, even if my brain couldn't remember."  Alec sucked his lips into his mouth, a nervous gesture he had made since early childhood.  "Does that make sense?"

"Of course it does, hermano," Izzy replied.  She stopped walking and put a hand on Alec's lower arm.  "Magnus is a big part of your life.  You spend a lot of time at his place.  It's natural that you would feel relaxed there."  She patted him, then laced their arms together and continued walking.

Alec contemplated this as they made their way back to the Institute.  Ok, he understood that he and Magnus were friends.  Apparently very close friends.  Did that explain why he spent so much time away from the Institute, in Magnus's loft?  When did he have time for Jace, and Jem, and Izzy?  And...his boyfriend.  Was he ok with all of this?  Shit, he hadn't even thought about the fact that he had a boyfriend in quite a while, and it caused Alec's stomach to curdle.  He knew he'd have to deal with it sometime, but for now, he pushed it away, and tried to recapture the feeling of well-being he had started out the day with.

"Hey, Izzy," Alec said to gain his sister's attention.  "How are things going for you?"

Isabelle tilted her head and smiled at Alec.  "Pretty good, big brother, thanks for asking."  She shook her head and clicked fondly.  "You've always been so selfless, when it comes to family, putting our needs before your own."  Her smile was replaced with a concerned expression.  "Speaking of which, I heard about the fight between you and Jace. He's pretty upset about what happened.  Do you think you will be arguing for long?"

"We're not actually arguing now," Alec answered.  "I'm not even mad at Jace.  We just need to sit down, and clear the air.  You know how great Jace and I are at stuff like that," he said ruefully.  "But it needs to happen, I'll make sure it does."

"Good," Izzy replied happily.  "I hate when the people I love are fighting.  Stubborn boys."

Alec responded by gripping his sister in a tight headlock and marching her into the Institute.  Her peals of laughter could be heard on the other side of the building.  Alec's heart glowed at how bright Izzy sounded.  And also that he could have this; a loving, playful and honest relationship with his sister.  It was more than he could have ever hoped for.

***

When Alec arrived at his room seeking a shower, there was an unfamiliar Shadowhunter lounging on his door.  Her face perked up in a sunny smile the moment she saw him.  "Hi Alec," she said, and it was plain from the tone of her voice that they were old friends.  "I'm Clary.  I'm a friend of Magnus's.  Well, and yours. And Izzy, too."  She stumbled to a halt, a chagrined expression on her face.  "Sorry, I sound like a bit of an idiot here, don't I?"

Alec couldn't help grinning back at the girl.  She was tiny, smaller even than Isabelle.  Alec towered over her by quite a few inches, but her fiery red hair made her seem more imposing than she was.  "It's fine," Alec said, understanding evident in his voice.  "Introducing yourself to someone you already know can't be easy."

Clary nodded.  "I uh, mentioned Magnus because I was with him, last night.  After you left, I mean.  I went to visit him."  Clary was visibly flustered.  Was this girl trying to tell Alec that she was Magnus's girlfriend?  "He's an old, uh, family friend."  Relief rushed through Alec, followed quickly by shock.  He should not care that much to find out that Clary and Magnus were just friends.  "Anyway, here."  Clary shoved a leather-bound book hastily into Alec's hands.

"Uh, thanks?"  Alec stared at the book for a few seconds, before looking back up at Clary.  

"It's from Magnus.  He said he promised to write out some memories for you?  I helped with a few that I was around for," Clary said nervously.

Alec opened the book and quickly flipped through the pages.  A large number were filled out in an elegant script.  "He must have stayed up half the night to do this!" Alec exclaimed.

"More like all night," Clary mumbled.  Magnus had stayed up all night, for him?  "He's catching a quick rest now, and he has some business later in the day, but he wanted me to tell you that he is free after eight.  You can go over this evening with any questions you have, if you want to."

Alec patted the book appreciatively and smiled at Clary.  "Thanks, for bringing this to me, and helping write it.  I wish..."

"You wish you could remember me?" she asked cheerfully.  When Alec nodded, she continued, "it's ok, Alec.  I know it's hard for you, but trust me, you don't have to feel weird around me.  I won't feel snubbed or anything."  Alec was struck again by what caring, empathetic friends he had made.  Acting on instinct, he leaned forward and embraced Clary quickly.  She looked momentarily shocked, but took it in stride, patting Alec's cheek before making her way down the hallway.

All thoughts of a shower were long forgotten.  Alec stretched out on his bed, and opened the  journal to a random page close to the front.

 

_The Memory Demon_

_Following the events of our thrilling battle with a member of the Circle, your little posse convinced me to try and retrieve Clary's memories.  Unfortunately, I had fed them to a Memory Demon, to keep them from falling into the wrong hands.  Summoning a Demon in front of four Shadowhunters, two of them being Lightwoods, was not top on my list of things to do.  It was you that convinced me.  Not by begging or coercing me.  By the fact that you had saved my life, and helped my Warlock friends.  I could tell what a strong leader you were, even then.  The Wayland boy was being pushy and acting in-charge, but you were the one who was really in control.  You just didn't realize it yet._

_Clary drew the loveliest pentagram I had ever seen.  The group joined hands to create the bond.  When you clasped my hand, I felt a rush of energy pass between us, and it was evident that you felt it too.  I knew we would become important to each other._

_In payment for the return of Clary's memories, the Memory Demon demanded a single memory from each of you.  It was to be a memory of the one you loved the most.  Isabelle's was of you.  Clary's was of her mother.  And yours was of Jace._

_It would have been perfectly understandable.  Jace was your parabati and adoptive brother, after all.  No one would have questioned your love for him.  But you broke the bond, claiming you had been deceived.  I was unable to contain the Demon, and it nearly dragged Jace away.  Clary jumped in, defeating the Demon and thus losing her memories forever._

_Afterwards, you were in shock.  I attempted to reassure you, but you had basically shut down.  There was so much anguish in your eyes, Alexander.  You were in so much pain, internally.  It was then that I vowed to help you, in any way that I could.  Close relationships between Warlocks and Shadowhunters are pretty much unheard of, but I'm Magnus Bane, and I do what pleases me._

 

The entry ended there.  Alec closed the book, and took a deep breath to calm himself.  Maybe this had been a bad idea.  Maybe ignorance really was bliss.  Because learning that he had been outed by a Memory Demon, in front of the object of his affections, was pretty much the worst thing Alec could think of.  He was close to vomiting in shame. No wonder Jace had accused Alec of being in love with him!  He had seen the proof with his own eyes.

It was so tempting just to shove the journal in a drawer, and never look at it again.  But Alec was no coward.  As distressing as it was, he needed to read those memories.  He wanted to understand how he had gotten to his present circumstances, and remember the new, important people in his life.  Alec sighed deeply, and picked up the book, flipping it open to the first page.  This time, he would start at the beginning and read all the way to the end.

Then he would go visit Magnus.

* * *

Magnus hadn't foreseen how hard it would be to write out the stories of his boyfriend's life, without actually giving away the fact that they were, indeed, dating.  It felt like he was lying, at least by omission.  But Catarina insisted that it would be too much for Alec to handle right now, and as she kept reminding Magnus, she was the expert.  Magnus hadn't realized just how closely Cat had been following Alec's recovery.  She had been in touch with Jem, Isabelle and Jace, sometimes multiple times a day, to get updates and give them advice.  Now that he was interacting with Alec, Magnus could expect the same treatment.

Luckily, Catarina had thought the book was a good idea.  She fully supported immersing Alec in his old memories, hoping to trigger something he recognized.

Maybe it was selfish, but Magnus wished for the first thing Alec remembered to be his outstanding Warlock boyfriend and the love they shared.

With Clary's help, Magnus had covered everything from his first meeting with Alec at the club, up until the night Alec had stayed at the loft after helping to heal Luke.  Lots of things, like mentions of The Circle and Valentine, were sure to bring up more questions for Alec.  Magnus had written a little note at the end of the book, encouraging him to utilize Jem's Shadowhunter knowledge for questions Alec was unsure Magnus could answer.  Magnus knew that Jem would handle Alec's inqueries with courtesy and tact.

The buzzer rang at eight o'clock on the nose, leaving Magnus to wonder if Alec had been standing outside the loft until the agreed upon time.  Well, Alexander was a stickler for rules, and took punctuality very seriously.

Magnus had expected Alec to look puzzled, or even resentful, after reading the journal.  Instead he looked drained, like the energy had been sucked out of him.  "Are you alright?" Magnus asked worriedly, fluttering his hands near Alec's shoulders.  

Alec met Magnus's eyes, and gave him a half smile.  Magnus had been on the receiving end of those before.  Alec used them when he wanted to pretend everything was fine, but inside, he was struggling.  "I'm doing as well as can be expected, I guess."  Magnus was about to apologize when Alec cut him off.  "I'm not upset with you, Magnus.  Quite the opposite.  I'm so grateful for your book.  I just sorted some stuff out with Jem earlier; he filled me in on Valentine, and The Circle.  I'm still trying to wrap my head around it all."

That Magnus could understand.  Even if he lived until the end of time, he still wouldn't be able to figure out Valentine's irrational hatred of the Downworld.  He ushered Alec over to the sofa, and sat down in a chair across from the Shadowhunter.  "Is that what you have questions about?  Do you want to know more about Valentine?"

"No, Jem did a great job filling in the blanks there," Alec said.  He gazed around Magnus's loft, eyes darting restlessly.  He was obviously agitated.  It took all Magnus's willpower to sit still and let Alec work it out himself, instead of rushing to gather the Shadowhunter up in his arms and stroke his hair.  Eventually, Alec spit out, "what I wanted to talk about is more personal."

"Oh, ok," Magnus said slowly.   _Oh, ok?  Where had his usual cool under pressure, eloquent speech gone,_ Magnus thought _._ Thankfully Alec was too busy dealing with whatever was on his mind to pick up on Magnus's discomfort.  The hush that settled between them seemed almost like a physical barrier.  Magnus's body stiffened in anticipation.

"When I read, what happened with the Memory Demon, I...it's just...fuck, why is this so hard?"  Alec dropped his head to his hands, completely covering his face.  He looked so forlorn, sitting here by himself on the couch.  Magnus slid in next to Alec, allowing their thighs to touch in a gesture of silent support.  "It seemed like you knew," Alec muttered between his fingers.

While Alec might not be very coherent, Magnus was able to follow his train of thought right away.  "About your sexuality?  I guessed, yes.  It turned out I was right."

"I don't like it.  I don't like talking about it, and I don't like that everybody knows," Alec whispered.

"I know," Magnus replied gently.  "You didn't like it back then, either.  And with your memories gone, I can't imagine how difficult is was to be thrust back to a time when you were still in the closet.  Being a gay Shadowhunter is not an easy thing."

Alec flinched openly.  He raised his head and looked plaintively at Magnus.  "So that's when everyone found out?"  His hands had dropped to his lap, and were shaking profusely.

Magnus reached over and grabbed one of Alec's hands, interlocking their fingers and giving a reassuring squeeze.  "No, not everyone.  Just Clary and myself.  I'm sure Isabelle already knew, and Jace, too.  It's not like you all ran back and told the rest of the Institute right then and there."  

"You know what's weird?" Alec asked.  Magnus shook his head.  "Everyone seems totally fine with it.  It's only me that has a problem."

"You'll get over that, in time.  Don't let your sexuality define you.  Who you choice to love doesn't change who you are as a person."  It was hard to see Alec agonizing over who he was.  Again!  Damn the rigid and constructive Shadowhunter culture.

"I looked you up," Alec said shyly. "I looked you up, on the Shadowhunter data base.  You've uh, lived quite an exciting life."

Magnus inclined his head and smiled politely, but didn't answer. He wanted to see where Alec was going with his statement. 

"There were lots of pictures of you."  Alec squirmed in his seat, and Magnus had to bite back the laugh that threatened to escape. The Shadowhunter was visibly out of his comfort zone, but he was trying so hard, and Magnus found it very endearing. "Some of the photos were...racy.  And...you were with both men, and women."

Alec was staring with precision at where their hands were still joined in his lap.  Magnus smoothed his thumb over Alec's knuckles before extracting his hand, and replying, "Gender doesn't matter to me, it just never has.  Neither does classification.  Warlock, Vampire, Werewolf, Seelie, Human.  I may risk sounding like a Mundane greeting card, but it's what's inside that counts."  Magnus chewed his bottom lip and snuffled out a little laugh.  "Although, I also appreciate a good-looking outside."

"Who doesn't?" Alec asked cheekily.  He had raised his head, and was smiling at Magnus.  It was an honest, genuine smile.  Magnus had missed those smiles so much.  They were having a real moment, and even though Magnus knew Alec just thought of him as a friend, he was still ecstatic.  

Even with the playful banter, Magnus could tell that Alec was still brooding about something.  "Is it hard?  I mean, do people ever judge you, when they find out...?"

"Oh, I get judged all the time.  I just don't let it bother me."  Magnus wanted to be honest with Alec.  "Of course, I've had centuries to perfect my 'not giving a crap' attitude."

"Centuries, huh?" Alec mused.  "That's time for a lot of relationships."

"It is," Magnus answered lightly.

"How many?" Alec inquired nervously.  Déjà vu overpowered Magnus once again, and he let out a bellow of laughter.  "I'm sorry, that was rude, you don't have to-"

"No, it ok," Magnus interrupted.  How had he walked into this question for the second time? "It's just funny, because we've had this exact conversation before."

"Oh.  Sorry," Alec stammered.

Magnus waved a hand at Alec, as if to say 'no worries.'  "Like I said, I'm judged all the time, and one thing I'm criticized for is the number of people I've been with."  Magnus sighed heavily.  This conversation had taken a sudden bleak turn.  He stood up, and walked a few steps away from Alec.  "I've been called a slut, and a lothario, and even a pervert.  Mostly by mortals.  Being immortal, it can be so lonely sometimes, Alexander."  Magnus knew he shouldn't be laying this all out to Alec.  It was too soon, and Alec was coping with his own problems.  Magnus just couldn't help himself.  He wanted Alec to understand.  "I wear my heart on my sleeve.  I fall in love too easily.  And I also get hurt easily.  Not something people expect from an Immortal Warlock.  Certainly not the High Warlock of Brooklyn."

Magnus heard shuffling coming from behind him.  Alec had stood up, and made his way over to where Magnus was standing.  He gently grasped Magnus's elbow, and said, "that's why I like you.  You're easy to talk to.  You aren't some scary, powerful Warlock.  Well, I mean, you are a powerful Warlock.  But you are also just a regular person.  Better, actually.  I feel really at home when I'm with you.  Like I'm safe."  Magnus had slowly turned around while Alec was talking, and the two men were facing each other, looking into each other's eyes.  "I can be myself around you, and I feel comfortable with that.  And you get what it's like, to be attracted...to guys."  Alec gave Magnus a lopsided smile.  It made Magnus's heart swell.  Alec was admitting, out loud and with a smile, that he was gay.  It was a big step!

"I'm honoured that you think so highly of me Alexander."  Magnus had meant to say it jokingly, but instead, it came out in a sultry tone.

Which is maybe why Alec responded with, "it's getting late, I should go."

Magnus would not let his disappointment show on his face.  He schooled his features into a pleasant smile, and said, "you're right, it is probably time for you to get back to the Institute.  Don't forget to take your book with you."

Alec looked confused.  "Oh, don't you need it?  Were you going to write more of our stories in there?"

'Our stories.'  Hearing those words out of Alec's mouth was music to Magnus's ears.  "I've enchanted the pages so that what I write on my paper here will appear in your book.  It will also never be full; the book will expand and grow as needed."

"Wow, that's....amazing. Thanks, Magnus."  Alec seemed to be at a loss for words.

"You don't need to keep thanking me.  It's what people do for each other, when they care."  And Magnus cared.  A lot.  He couldn't remember ever caring so much about anyone in his life.

Alec nodded and smiled one last time at Magnus, before heading for the door.  He held the doorknob, but didn't turn it.  Instead, he turned back to face Magnus, and said, "I hope you know that I'd never judge you, Magnus.  I'm not bothered by how many relationships you've had."

"I know," Magnus croaked.  He cleared his throat, and tried again.  "I know you aren't, Alexander."  Magnus was struggling to regulate his breathing.  He wanted nothing more than to throw himself into those big, strong arms and kiss Alec senseless.  He fought the urge, and raised his hand to Alec's face, smoothing his thumb along Alec's eyebrow where there was a small scar.  Alec closed his eyes in response, and a small sigh escaped his lips.

They stood there, breathless in the moment, until Alec's phone trilled.  The Shadowhunter's whole body jolted.  "It's Izzy," he said shakily.  "She's just making sure I'm ok."

Words failed Magnus.  Decades, centuries of practise conversing with the most important people, and he couldn't string together a lucid thought after touching Alec's face.

"Can I..." Alec started tentatively.  "Uh, can I come back soon, and work on that balancing training we talked about last time?"

Magnus shook himself to dislodge the deep haze that had clouded his brain.  "Yes, of course!  That is a great idea.  Say, tomorrow at seven?"  Magnus didn't even know what appointments he had booked tomorrow, but if need be, he would cancel them.  He just knew he didn't want to go too long without seeing Alec.

"Yah.  Yah, that's perfect." Alec grinned broadly at Magnus.  "See you tomorrow."

This time, when Alec left the loft, Magnus didn't feel heartsick or sad.  He was cautiously optimistic.  Or maybe not-so cautiously optimistic.  Because it seemed like he and Alec were forming a bond, all over again.  And just wait until Alec saw the new memories that Magnus was going to write up tonight, and the balance routine he was planning out.  Magnus was going to be the most helpful Warlock boyfriend an amnesiac could ever dream of.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I loved Magnus's line in the last episode "I fall in love with the Soul before the sex." It was so perfect for what I was writing this chapter, I wanted to use it so badly!


	8. Chapter 8

Magnus Bane had writer's block.

Alec would be waiting for the next entries to materialize in his book, and Magnus had no idea what he was supposed to write.  Because saying ' _I lusted after you shamelessly while you got engaged to a ball-busting woman for political reasons'_ was probably more than the Shadowhunter could handle right now.  

Magnus tossed his writing implements to the side with a snort. Ironically, his Alec, the Alec he had fallen in love and built a life with, would have found that entry amusing.  Alexander had a wonderful sense of humour, one he only displayed to those closest to him.  To most people, Alec came across as quite stodgy.  More than once, at the beginning of their relationship, Magnus's friends had wondered (not so discreetly) what the effervescent Warlock saw in the straitlaced Shadowhunter.

Magnus propped his feet up on his desk, and reminisced about their first meeting.  He couldn't deny that his initial attraction toward Alec was physical, pure and simple.  The man was built like a tree, and Magnus had been more than willing to try his hand at climbing.  Dark hair, big doe eyes, plush rose lips, and a body of firm muscle.  Basically, manly perfection.  It was enough to make Magnus overlook his usual stance on avoiding Shadowhunters.  Surely, a quick roll in the sheets with an Adonis sex-god was a good enough excuse to set aside centuries of mistrust and distaste?

Except Alec was no sex-god.  It became painfully obvious, from the first time he spoke to Magnus, that Alec was woefully naive around cute boys.  But instead of losing interest, Magnus found himself more and more intrigued.  It was a combination of a lot of different things that captured and held Magnus's interest.  In addition to the good looks and unsophisticated personality, Alec exuded a sense of leadership that pulled Magnus in.  As time went on, Magnus got to see a different side of Alec.  His love and devotion to his family.  His sense of morality.  His willingness to help those in need.  Combined with his dizzying mixture of blunt truths and shy stammers, Alexander Lightwood felt like the Soul that Magnus had been waiting centuries for.

The fact that he had saved Magnus's life, before they even knew each other, didn't hurt either.  Kind of a huge turn-on, actually.

Magnus dropped his head into his hands and moaned, deep and low.  This present train of thought wasn't doing him any good.

Except...maybe he was wrong.  Maybe he had been too focused on getting **his** Alexander back.  Maybe the Alec he had now, one that was strikingly similar to the first blushing, stuttering man he had met all those months ago, was enough.

Magnus had a sudden epiphany.  He would love Alec, no matter what.  Yes, he would prefer it if Alec regained his memories and they could pick up their old life.  But if it didn't happen, it wasn't the end of the world.  Magnus was immortal, after all.  He had time to rebuild their relationship.

All that was left to do was have Alexander fall in love with him all over again.

* * *

Confronting Jace was pretty much the last thing that Alec wanted to do.  But he couldn't leave things the way they were.  Despite their troubles, they were parabati, and Alec needed Jace.

Alec had been able to control his emotions a bit better in the past couple of days.  Unfortunately, thinking about speaking to Jace brought back the gnawing anxiety.  He concentrated on the breathing excersises Catarina had given him.  They were supposed to help calm his nerves and keep him focused.

He prayed to the Angel they would work.

Jace was precisely where Alec expected him to be at the this time of day; in the training room, working on his physique.  Alec would rather not have this conversation in the room where he had wounded Jace with a knife, and his parabati had responded by punching him in the face.  Just in case, Alec had asked Izzy to come check on them in a half an hour.  If they couldn't settle things civilly, Isabelle would most likely guilt them into working it out.

Alec stood in the doorway watching Jace and admiring his form for a few minutes.  Objectively, it was easy to see why Alec had been attracted to his parabati.  Jace was remarkably handsome. Right now, his face was set in a look of razor-intense focus, but when Jace smiled, his grin made everyone in the room weak in the knees.  He was also exceptionally built, with cords of muscle rippling under his clothes.  Jace was beautiful and deadly and charming.  

And Alec didn't love him as anything more than a brother.

"Hey Jace," Alec called.  Thankfully, none of his nervousness crept into his voice.  Jace didn't turn; instead, he caught Alec's eyes in the mirror and gave him an affectionate yet hesitant grin. Maybe Alec wasn't the only one who was uneasy about this conversation.

Alec made his way into the training room, plopping himself down onto one of the benches.  He had expected Jace to take a seat next to him, but instead, the blonde sprawled out on the floor at Alec's feet.  He was still slightly out of breath from the training activities.

"Look, this isn't easy for me, so I hope you will let me say everything I need to without interrupting," Alec admitted.  Jace nodded once, and made a gesture like he was zipping his lips.  Alec grinned at him and continued.  "I know what happened with the Memory Demon. I don't remember, but I know.  So I understand why you...said what you said."   _That I love you,_ Alec thought.  "I just want you to know, if it ever was true, it's not anymore.  Not like that, anyway."  Alec dropped his gaze from Jace's eyes to his own knees.  He was feeling distinctly strained.  "I do love you, Jace.  Like a brother. And even more, like the other half of me, my parabati."

Jace stared at Alec expectantly.  Finally, Alec figured out what he wanted.  "Oh, you can talk now."

Jace sighed deeply, and said, "I know, Alec.  I mean, I knew all that, when we fought.  I was just lashing out."  Alec desperately wanted to question Jace, but his parabati was a stubborn one.  He'd get to the point in his own time.  "Honestly, I've just been feeling left out. We're not as close as we used to be."

"We're not?" Alec wondered.  He couldn't imagine it.

"Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for you.  You have demanding job reponsibilites, new friends, a boyfriend.  It's like you've grown up, and left me behind, I guess." Jace's voice was soft and melancholy.  Alec couldn't remember ever hearing him talk like that before.  He usually hid behind a thick layer of swagger and charisma.

Alec spoke directly from his heart.  "Jace, you are one of the most important people in my life, and you always will be.  I'm sorry if I made you feel otherwise."

"Maybe I deserved it," Jace mused.  "I took you for granted for years. I blew you and Izzy off to go on dates.  I made bad decisions.  I got into trouble.  And in the back of my mind, I always assumed that you'd be there, waiting for me.  I liked that you didn't have a life of your own, Alec.  I liked that I was your main priority."

"That doesn't sound like a very healthy relationship," Alec said sadly. 

"No, it doesn't," Jace replied slowly.   "But I'd like it to be."  Jace tipped his head up to Alec, a look of utter vulnerability on his face. 

"I'd like that too."  A chance to redefine their relationship, to make it better and stronger than ever, was such an exciting prospect.  Alec stood up, and offered his hand down to Jace to shake.  Instead, Jace used the extended hand to haul himself up off the floor, and engulfed Alec in a huge hug around the shoulders.

A few seconds later, as Alec went to break the embrace, another arm snaked its way into the mix, wrapping around Alec's waist.  "Stupid, stubborn boys," Izzy said, and gave each of her brothers a firm squeeze.

Alec smiled and dropped his face into his sister's hair, planting a soft kiss on the crown of her head.  The Lightwood trio was back in action. 

"What's on the agenda for the rest of the day?" Jace asked, a hint of his cockiness returning.  "Up for some training?"

Alec laughed and shook his head.  He wasn't quite over their last training season.  "You and Izzy go ahead.  I'm actually going to work on my balance issues with Magnus tonight.  Maybe soon, I'll be able to kick your ass again."

Jace gave him a one finger salute.  "I'll hold you to that, Lightwood."  His voice turned gentle again.  "But if you do want to practice, let me know.  I promise, I won't be an asshole this time.  Neither one of us will end up maimed."

"Good to know."  Alec turned around and left the training room, feeling pretty proud of himself.  He had mended a broken relationship, and it seemed stronger now than ever.  He had kept his emotions under control.  Magnus was going to help him regain his coordination.  Everything was falling into place.

***

Everything was NOT falling into place.  Alec felt stupid for ever thinking that his life seemed to be back on track.

Working with Magnus was unbearably frustrating.  It wasn't Magnus's fault.  The blame lay wholly on Alec.  He'd shown up at the loft with unrealistic expectations.  Everything had been going so well lately.  For some reason, Alec had pictured himself doing some basic exercises with Magnus, and wielding a seraph blade with ease and grace within an hour.  He had been so very, very wrong.

Magnus was an amazing teacher.  He was patient and understanding, while at the same time expecting Alec's total concentration and effort.  Knowing he was letting Magnus down made Alec even more discouraged.

"I can't do it," Alec ground out through gritted teeth.  Magnus had led him through a few basic yoga moves.  Perfecting them in Magnus's slow, sure way was utterly defeating Alec.

Magnus tutted and flicked Alec's earlobe.  "You are being way too hard on yourself, Alexander.  You are already gaining small improvements."

"Not as fast as I would like," Alec grumbled.  They had been working for almost two hours, and his progress seemed miniscule at best.

"You need to take a break."  Alec was about to object, as he had the last two times Magnus had brought it up.  This time, Magnus didn't allow it.  "I insist.  Sit."  Alec found himself unceremoniously pushed into a chair.  "We should hydrate.  What would you like to drink?"

"Just water," Alec replied.  Magnus was waving his hand in the way that signified using his magic.  Suddenly, Alec found himself blurting out, "burnt matches!"

Magnus froze.  "What?"

"Your magic.  It smells like burnt matches.  And...flowers?  Yah, like the honeysuckle that grows outside of the Institute.  It's like a combination of burnt matches and flowers and freshly turned earth and peppermint and spices and....you."  Alec gazed up at Magnus, an embarrassed look in his eyes.  "I remember," he whispered.

Magnus smiled sadly.  "I've done magic in front of you since the accident, Alexander."

"Yah, you have.  But this seems like a real memory, Magnus.  I can't actually see anything. But I can smell your magic.  I can feel your hand gripping mine, and my leg propping you up, and our shoulders touching."  Alec had his eyes closed, trying to grab onto everything he could before it slipped through his mind.  "That was you, right?  That did happen?"

"Yes," Magnus replied in a whisper.  He cleared his throat.  "Yes," he repeated, "when we were healing Luke.  Although, some of those smells aren't from my magic.  When we joined hands, you gave me your strength.  Our scents must have mingled, and come out in the magic."

Alec swore he could still make out a faint whiff of smoke in the air.  He opened his eyes, and was confronted by Magnus's piercing gaze.  "Uh, could I have that water now?"

Magnus continued to stare at him, until Alec looked away, flustered.  "Of course."  This time, Magnus made his way to the kitchen and got them two bottles of water from the fridge.  Alec cracked his gratefully, and knocked back half in two large gulps.  "So, do you feel up to a little more balance work?  Or do you want to call it a night?"

Personally, Alec was worried that all this training was a big waste of Magnus's time.  How long would it be before Magnus gave up?

Regardless, he wasn't ready to leave Magnus's company just yet.  Having his first solid memory, in Magnus's loft, was a real breakthrough.  "What did you have in mind?"

"I'd like to demonstrate some Tai Chi movements for you.  Each posture in Tai Chi flows into the next without pause, ensuring that your body is in constant motion.  The movements are performed in a slow, focused manner."  That didn't sound too difficult.  Maybe he'd be better at this than he was at holding yoga poses.  "Once you've got the pattern memorized, you can practice back at the Institute."

Magnus went straight into his demonstration.  The way he moved was mesmerizing.  Alec had never witnessed someone exude so much fluidity and grace.  Shadowhunters were naturally nimble, but they were also brought up to be soldiers.  Their movements were quick and forceful.  What Magnus was doing was almost like a dance.  A sensual, poetic dance.

"Did you follow that?" Magnus asked.  

Alec flushed pink.  His concentration had not been on the movements at all.  "Better run through it one more time."

Magnus rolled his eyes, but quickly obliged.  This time, Alec made note of the positioning of Magnus's arms and legs during the flowing movements.  "I'll walk you through the routine a few times before you leave," Magnus promised.

As an instructor, Magnus was absolutely phenomenal, and Alec began to wonder if there was anything that the Warlock wasn't good at.  He was the perfect blend of friendly and professional, giving Alec gentle hints when necessary, and lining his body up into proper position with his hands when verbal instruction was not enough.

At some point during their second run-through, Magnus made a quick adjustment to Alec's posture.  The repositioning left Alec a little unbalanced, and he fell back into Magnus, his back collapsing into Magnus's chest.  For a frightening second, Alec was worried that they would go tumbling over, due to his large size.  But Magnus was strong.  He reached forward and grabbed Alec's elbows, steadying them both.  It was another fleeting touch, one that Magnus tried to pull away from as soon as he had them stabilized.  This time, Alec didn't let him.  Acting on pure instinct, he pressed back further onto Magnus's chest, and let his head loll backwards onto the Warlock's shoulder.  Alec's eyes fluttered shut, and he turned his nose into Magnus's neck, just under his ear.  Once again, the scent was faintly familiar to him.  The spice was definitely there, along with sweat from their activities.  What Alec really wanted, more desperately than anything, was to reach out with his tongue and discover what Magnus's skin tasted like.

Alec was brought back to his senses by the rapid rise and fall of the chest he was leaning on.  His eyes popped open, and he searched out Magnus's face.  The Warlock had his eyes squeezed shut, and was beginning to pant lightly.  The grip he had on Alec's elbows was almost bruising.  A wave of remorse washed over Alec.  Magnus was obviously uncomfortable, and it was Alec's bad behaviour that had cause it.

Alec broke away from Magnus and turned to face him, stuttering out an apology as quick as he could.  "Shit Magnus, I'm so sorry.  I shouldn't have...I didn't mean too...please don't be upset with me."

Magnus had recovered in record time.  "Don't be silly, Alexander.  You just lost your balance.  No need to apologize."

It was more than just losing his balance, and Alec knew it.  From the brittle smile Magnus had plastered on his face, he knew it too.  The fact that Magnus was letting him get away with such a lame explanation just reinforced how self-sacrificing and kind Magnus was.  Because there was no way he could write off how enthusiastically he nuzzled Magnus's neck with 'I just lost my balance.'

"I should go," Alec said rather loudly.  He took one tentative step forward, then another, until he was past Magnus and approaching the door.  A warm hand shot out and grabbed his wrist, applying gentle pressure over the pulse point.

"There is nothing to be ashamed of, Alec," Magnus said in a soothing voice.  And Alec almost believed him.  Because this was Magnus, and Magnus would never judge him, or lie to him.

Alec couldn't bring himself to look back at Magnus.  "Thank you," he whispered, and felt Magnus's hand drop.  

Alec could still feel the heat of Magnus's fingers on his wrist hours after the touch had ended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not very well proof-read, sorry! Hope there were not to many mistakes.
> 
> Thanks so much for reading!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry I haven't updated this story in a while. I spend most of the summer camping, with no real access to the internet or a computer. Don't worry, I would never abandon a story and leave it unfinished.

Alec had always been a bit obsessive. It tended to drive Izzy and Jace nuts. From a young age, he would practice a skill over and over again, until he had it mastered. Being a perfectionist had paid off for Alec. His abilities with a bow were ledgenary, and not just amoung the Shadowhunters in the New York Institute.

Alec applied this same sense of precision and focus to the exercises he had been shown by Magnus.  He worked through the movements for hours at a time, willing his body to respond the way he wanted it to.  Progress was slow.  Much slower than Alec had hoped for.  His temper had gotten the better of him a few times, and he had the bruised knuckles to prove it.

After two days of intense training and avoiding people as much as possible, Alec's little world was invaded by Jem.  Alec tensed up immediately, expecting a tongue lashing or a mocking joke at his expense.  But Jem wasn't Jace; he was quiet and reflective.  Jem watched silently as Alec completed his current round of movements, and waited until the archer was grabbing a drink of water to approach him.

"Your balance has improved substantially since I saw you training with Jace," Jem said quietly from his place just behind Alec.  "I'm glad Magnus was able to help you."

Magnus.  For the second time in less than ten minutes, Alec felt his body grow tense.  Yes, Magnus had been extremely helpful.  And gracious, and kind.  And now Alec was avoiding the Warlock like a teenage girl.  He knew he wasn't acting like a mature adult, someone who was a fierce warrior and a leader.  Obviously he would need to communicate with Magnus sometime.  Just...not right now.

Alec concentrated on his breathing and willed his shoulders to relax.  Anxiety started to leave his body, and he was able to answer Jem.  "The exercises he provided have been a big help.  I'm very thankful."  It was a dismissal, and he hoped Jem would take the hint.  He wanted to get back to training.

Jem just stood there, contemplating Alec with his expressive brown eyes.  "I'm worried about you, Alec.  You've been unreliable the past two days.  Earier this morning you missed a very important meeting with a Clave representative."  Jem's tone was soft and non-judgemental.  "I know you are struggling with the side effects of the head trauma, but it's just so out of character. What can I do to help you?"

If Jem had been accusatory, if he had been mad or disappointed, Alec would have understood.  But this worry on Alec's behalf, even when Alec had failed to do his job competently, left a hole in Alec's heart.

Alec's entire body deflated and folded in on itself.  He closed his eyes, and said, "You're right.  I'm sorry.  I'll do better."

A cool hand wrapped lightly around Alec's bicep.  "I don't want you to be sorry, Alec."  Alec's eyes popped back open in surprise.  "I want you to be happy.  We all do.  You've been working yourself to the bone.  If you need to take a break, I can Head the Institute alone for a while.  Just let me know what you need."

A large lump was currently lodged in Alec's throat, and he swallowed it down, barely holding back tears.  "Thank you," he whispered with a little half smile.  

The hand on Alec's arm gave him a quick pat, and dropped away.  It reminded him of Magnus gripping his wrist two days ago, and the fiery heat his touch had left.  Without even realizing, Alec circled his wrist with his other hand, rubbing gently.  

"Catarina's quite set on you doing more active work to recover your memories," Jem said.  His smile let Alec know that Catarina was probably a lot more forceful than that.  "She feels you need to talk with another one of the friends you don't remember."

"Oh, ok," Alec replied, feeling slightly nervous.  "How do I go about setting that up?"

"You don't need to worry about that," Jem said with a chuckle.  "Catarina has taken care of everything."

***

Which was why, less than a half hour later, Alec found himself entering Taki's to meet up with a Vampire named Simon Lewis.

A Vampire.  It boggled Alec's mind.  Of all the Downworlders, Alec would have said he had the least amount of patience and respect for Vampires.  Now he was going to sit down for a meal and (hopefully) pleasant conversation with one.

The Vampire in question certainly looked pleasant, in a squirmy, bumbling kind of way.  Alec had expected cruel beauty and practiced nonchalance.  Instead, he got the gawkiness that was Simon Lewis. 

"Alec, hi!  Over here," Simon yelled, as he half raised himself from the booth seat and waved both arms over his head.  Alec forcibly restrained himself from rolling his eyes.

Simon was still hovering in an awkward crouching position when Alec reached the table.  The Vampire shoved his hand out eagerly, and after only a slight hesitation, Alec grasped it firmly.

"I'm Simon.  Well, of course I'm Simon, you've probably already figured that out.  I just thought I should introduce myself.  Again, that is.  Since, you know, you've got that memory loss thing happening and all."  Simon paused briefly to suck in a large breath of air.  "Am I rambling?  I feel like I'm rambling.  Sorry, but I talk a lot when I get nervous."

By the Angel, this was the twitchiest Vampire Alec had ever met.  They seemed like opposites in every way.  Where Simon was jittery and gabby, Alec was stoic and silent.

"Why are you so nervous?" Alec wondered.

Simon gazed at his hands which were folded together on the worn diner table.  "Meeting you is really intimidating."  The young Vampire's gaze swung up to meet Alec's own.  "You didn't like me when we first met."  Simon admitted this with a half smile, and a small shrug of his shoulders, like it was a common occurrence.

Alec leaned back in the booth and pondered this information.  "I don't remember that.  Can you tell me how we met, and how we became friends?"

Simon's eyes lit up.  "It's so cool that you consider me a friend."  Alec gave him a slightly scathing look.  "Ok, sorry.  Yah, well, I was best friends with Clary when we met.  Just an annoying Mundane, with no knowledge of the Shadow World."  Simon snorted and shook his head.  "Boy, did you hate us!  You were so cranky all the time."  He held up a hand in a placating gesture.  "Don't worry, it's all water under the bridge.  But I was kinda terrified of you for a while."

Alec let Simon babble on, until he started talking about Magnus.  "Wait, so you know Magnus too?" Alec asked.  It took him a few seconds to realize that he had interrupted Simon in mid sentence, and the Vampire looked at him with a bemused expression on his face.

"Everyone knows who Magnus is," Simon replied with a grin.  "But I was just saying that Clary and I helped look for Magnus when he was kidnapped.  It was quite a bonding experience.  That's when we became friends.  Or, at least, you started talking to me instead of ignoring me.  And, of course, Magnus likes me, so you have to put up with me."  Simon's grin slid slowly off his face, and his eyes opened in alarm.  Alec was too busy processing the new information to notice Simon's discomfort.

It seemed like Alec had befriended Clary and Simon at the same time, and for the same reason, as he had meet and become friends with Jem.  Magnus's kidnapping was the catalyst.  He must have taken finding the Warlock pretty seriously.  

"Magnus is a good guy," Alec said haltingly, testing the waters.  It was a huge understatement, but he wanted to see what Simon would say about Magnus.

"Magnus is a **great**  guy," Simon enthused.  "One of the best people I know."  This confirmed Alec's own views on the Warlock.  "I hate to see him so miserable."

Alec's head snapped up.  "What?  Why is Magnus miserable?"  

Simon looked like a deer caught in headlights.  "Uh..."

"You pick now to go silent on me?" Alec asked in frustration.

Simon licked his lips and stammered out, "it's no big deal.  He's just going through some stuff right now."

Alec closed his eyes and rubbed his temples.  He felt the first twinge of a headache coming on.  Magnus had been spending a great deal of his free time helping Alec.  The memory book, the balance exercises.  Just the companionship and sympathy had meant so much to Alec.  And while he had picked up on Magnus being a little reserved at times, he had no idea that the Warlock was going through a hard time of his own.  Alec had just assumed that Magnus was looking out for his mental health.  

Alec groaned when he realized just how selfish he had been.  Magnus had been a perfect friend to Alec.  He had provided help and support, while asking for nothing in return.  And how did Alec repay him?  By running from the loft and dodging him for two days.  Shit.

Alec popped up from his seat.  "I need to go see him." 

"I'm not sure that's such a good idea," Simon replied, but it fell on deaf ears.  Alec was already stalking towards the door.  "We haven't even ordered yet!"  Simon sighed.  Alec was out the door and headed for Brooklyn.  Little did he know he had a Vampire hot on his heels.

***

Alec had no idea what he had been expecting when Magnus answered his door, but it certainly wasn't...this.  Magnus looked stunning, like he had walked off the page of one of his sister's fashion magazines.  He was wearing form-fitting black dress pants, with a silvery sheen flowing through the fabric.  His lean torso was hugged by a tailored, olive green military style jacket, which emphasized Magnus's trim waist and toned chest.  But it was the makeup that surprised Alec the most.  Magnus always looked amazing, but usually it was fairly subtle.  Today's makeup was much more dramatic, and looked a lot like what Izzy might wear for a night out on the town.  Alec was suddenly reminded of a beautiful, colourful butterfly, and wondered what Magnus would think about that comparison.

"Are you going somewhere?" Alec inquired, at the same time as Magnus said, "Alexander, what a pleasant surprise."

Alec smiled wryly as Magnus answered, "no, I have no immediate plans.  Please, come in."

Stepping back into Magnus's loft felt like coming home.  It was comfortable in a way that Alec couldn't understand.  He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath, savouring the unique scents that permeated the space.  Recognition was there, right on the tip of his memory, but it flitted away before he could grasp it.

Upon opening his eyes, Alec found Magnus gazing at him with an indecipherable expression.  The Warlock turned quickly towards the bar cart, asking merrily, "would you like a drink?"

Alec glanced quickly at his watch.  "It's not even noon.  Maybe just a coffee?"  Without warning, a warm to-go cup popped into Alec's hands.  The coffee was thick and black, just the way he liked it.  Magnus also had one, although he was doctoring it heavily with something from the bar.

Magnus swung gracefully back around to face Alec and took a large sip of his drink.  He leaned back on the wall, seemingly at ease.  But Alec picked up on little things that said otherwise.  The tapping of a foot against the floor.  Lean fingers playing with the delicate cuff in his left ear.

"Magnus, what's wrong?" Alec asked bluntly.

Magnus's eyes widened the smallest amount, but otherwise, his posture and expression remained unchanged.  "Nothing is wrong, Alexander.  What made you ask?"

Alec had never been overly good with words.  "I just...know, ok?"  Magnus smiled at him sceptically.  "I'm sorry I didn't notice earlier.  But now that I think back, you haven't been yourself lately."  Magnus hitched in an audible breath, making Alec replay what he just said.  "I'm not even sure how I know that, I still can't remember anything.  It's just a gut feeling that I have.  Like I'm not seeing the real you.  It's as if you are hiding behind a barrier."

Magnus was staring at him intently, but his gaze was still unreadable.  Then, like a dam breaking, Magnus's smooth facade cracked and his face flooded with emotion.  In the end, the Warlock's expression settled into a look of wonder.  "I never wanted to hide anything from you," he admitted.  "I only did what I thought was best."

Alec expected to be angry.  He was tired of everyone doing what they thought was best for him.  But he couldn't find any rage towards Magnus.  Instead he felt a piercing sadness.  This memory loss left him destined to disappoint and let his friends down, over and over again.

With a look of determination, Magnus pushed himself off of the wall and guided Alec towards the couch.  He sat them down so they were side-by-side, but angled towards each other, leaving Alec's left knee pressed firmly into Magnus's right one.  Magnus drew up both of Alec's hands in his own.  The sudden intimacy of the gesture, of the whole situation, left Alec in a cold sweat.  He swallowed compulsively in an effort to maintain a semblance of control.  A million scattered thoughts ran through his head at once.  The one he grabbed onto helped steady his nerves.   _This is Magnus.  I can trust him._ Almost instantly his breathing evened out, and he was able to refocus.  For years, Alec could count the number of people he trusted on the fingers of one hand, and they were all members of his family.  It was terrifying and thrilling to place his faith in the hands of an outsider; of a Downworlder.

"I was there," Magnus blurted out, in a totally undignified manner.  It was the first time Alec had seen Magnus lose his edge of polished elegance.  The statement meant nothing to Alec, but it caused Magnus to sink back into the couch cushions, like a weight had been lifted off of his shoulders.  "The night you were injured, I was there, with you.  We had been watching a movie here in the loft, when Jace and Izzy requested backup at a possible Demon nest.  I went with you, hoping to help clean the mess up quickly and return to our evening.  But...I couldn't keep you safe, Alexander."  Magnus let out a choked little sob as he pulled his hands from Alec's.

"No, Magnus, that's ridiculous.  It wasn't your fault that I got hurt."  Alec leaned closer to Magnus, dropping a hand onto the Warlock's shoulder.  "Jace blames himself too.  You need to stop.  I'm a Shadowhunter, this type of risk is just part of the job."  Magnus peered up at Alec, who smiled at him reassuringly.

Magnus just shook his head.  "You were laying there, not moving.  There was so much blood."  Magnus's eyes filled with tears as his voice dropped to a whisper.  "I thought I would lose you.  I've never been so scared in my entire life."

The admission made Alec's stomach flutter.  He moved his hand from Magnus's shoulder, and wrapped it around the Warlock's back.  With a sigh, Magnus dropped his head to rest on Alec's shoulder.  Alec again thought of butterflies, about how they were beautiful and delicate, while at the same time, tenacious and hardy, just like Magnus.  He moved his free arm to encircle Magnus's waist, turning their pose into a full embrace. Magnus buried his face a little deeper into Alec's neck.  Magnus's warm, gentle breath tingled across Alec's skin.

Hugging another man like this, in such an intimate and affectionate way, felt so right and yet so wrong to Alec.  Magnus just seemed to fit, like they were made to connect.  For a few seconds, Alec let himself indulge in that fantasy.  He let one hand stroke slow, lazy circles onto Magnus's arm.  He let his head drop forward, until his face was in Magnus's hair, and his lips grazed the top of Magnus's head.  He let the arm wrapped around Magnus's back travel up his neck, until his hand was running through the short hair on the back of Magnus's head.  

Magnus made a small sound, much like the purring of a cat, and Alec was thrust back into reality.  He jumped up from the couch, leaving Magnus to sprawl gracelessly when the body he was leaning on was wrenched out from under him.  For a moment, Alec looked into Magnus's hypnotizing brown eyes.  His resolve nearly broke at the affection and longing he saw there.  But he needed to leave, as quickly as possible.  He needed to get away from this perfect man with his soulful eyes and handsome face and compassionate words.  Because sitting there, hugging Magnus, had felt right, but he knew it was wrong, for one undeniable reason.

"I can't do this," Alec burst out. He wanted to.  But it just wouldn't be fair.  To Magnus, and to someone else, who he had been too cowardly to face.  "I have a boyfriend."  Magnus looked like he had been slapped.  He raised a hand and placed it directly over his heart, and Alec wondered if Magnus also felt the breaking sensation he was experiencing.  Alec sprinted from the loft, but not before he saw the shock and pain and hurt that crossed Magnus's face.

* * *

Within a minute of Alec leaving, there was a knock on the loft door.  Magnus tried not to get his hopes up, but really, who else could it be?  It had to be Alexander, returning with an explanation that would smooth the whole mess over.

It wasn't.

"Hey Magnus, I thought we could hang out," Simon Lewis exclaimed, with a huge grin on his face.  Magnus did the only thing he could think of; he attempted to shut the door in the young Vampire's face.  A white converse shoe stuck in the door jam prevented him.  Simon's smile disappeared, replaced by a look of concern.  "Ok, I actually just saw Alec leave here at top speed looking totally devastated, and thought maybe you could use some company."

Magnus was too emotionally wrung-out to fight.  He left the door open and walked away, not bothering to see if Simon was following.  He fixed himself a drink, and headed out to the balcony.  Times like this always made him feel small and insignificant, especially when he was surronded by the hustle and bustle of New York.  In a city of millions, he was just one of many experiencing heartbreak today.

Simon settled next to him at the balcony railing.  Magnus was hit with the feeling of déjà vu, and Simon must have been too, because he said, "do you remember when you helped me with Camille?"

Magnus nodded.  That had been a painful time.  He had no longer been in love with Camille, but it was still hard to admit how detached and cruel his ex-girlfriend had become.  For better or for worse, Camille had been a large part of Magnus's life; in fact, he had considered her family.

Magnus could feel Simon's eyes on him.  He gripped the railing tightly, turning his knuckles white.  He didn't want this young boy's pity.

"You told me then that Camille was your rock.  I've been thinking about that a lot, since Alec's accident."  Magnus looked at Simon in astonishment.  "Everyone should have one.  I know we just met not long ago, and you probably have hundreds of friends you've known longer than me, but if you are in need of a rock, I'm here."  Simon smiled his sweet unassuming smile.  "You've been kind of a mentor to me, with all this Shadow World stuff, and I really appreciate it.  I'd be honoured to be your rock in hard times."

Magnus knew that people saw him as dramatic and flamboyant, and expected him to be over-emotional.  And while it was true that he felt things deeply, Magnus was also a master of managing his emotions and masking his pain.  It wasn't in his nature to seek help or complain.  He just endured.

Simon's offer tugged on his already bruised heart.  "I accept," Magnus said, and felt tears fall unbidden down his cheeks.  Simon slipped a hand over his in a show of silent support.  Magnus appreciated how hard it was for the young Vampire to keep quiet, and was quite pleased by the effort he was making on Magnus's behalf.

After gulping down the rest of his drink, Magnus said, "Alec has a boyfriend."

"What?  No!  I'm sure that's not true," Simon sputtered.

Magnus smiled sadly.  "Oh, it's true.  He told me so himself.  After he hugged me, and kissed my hair.  Then he ran out of the loft like a pack of Demons was chasing him."

Simon looked perplexed.  "But, wouldn't the other Shadowhunters know?  I feel like Clary would have mentioned this to me, or Izzy would have discussed it with Catarina.  Are you sure you heard him right?"

Magnus felt a spark of hope at Simon's words. They made sense.  However, Alec had said directly to him that he did have a boyfriend, and the Shadowhunter was not the type of person to make up an outrageous lie.  The spark died as quickly as it had flared. "I'm positive that is what he said.  And honestly, I'm not sure how I'm going to survive."

Simon left Magnus for a moment.  When he returned, he handed Magnus a full glass and stood next to him once more.  The drink was poorly mixed, with too little alcohol and too much ice, not to mention the presence of pineapple juice.  Who in their right mind mixed whiskey with pineapple juice?  Whatever, at least the boy was trying, and it was nice to know that someone cared.

"You'll survive.  You always do.  You are the Energizer Bunny of Warlocks, remember?" Magnus's spirits were boosted slightly by the praise.  "And I think you and Alec will figure this out.  His memories will either come back, or he'll realize how awesome you are and fall for you all over again."  There was a slight pause, before Simon mumbled under his breath, "and if he does have a boyfriend, and continues to hurt you, I'll just go kick his ass."

In spite of his melancholy mood, Magnus found himself laughing out loud at Simon's declaration.  Alec would have no trouble putting the Vampire in his place, but Simon's heart was surely in the right place.

"Thanks Simon," Magnus said, and went to go mix himself and his guest a real drink.


	10. Chapter 10

Thump THUMP. Thump THUMP. Thump THUMP. The pounding of Alec's feet on the pavement seemed to coincide with the thud of his heart and the headache that throbbed in his skull. The pain made him dizzy. His singular objective was to get back to the Institute. He treated it like a mission; nothing was going to get in his way.

Alec's first instinct was to get the whole mess dealt with ASAP.  Even in his agitated state, Alec recognized this wasn't the smartest course of action.  Putting one foot firmly in front of the other, he forced himself to settle in his room for a short breather.  A quick Iratze Rune took care of the burgeoning migraine, and his head felt clear for the first time since he had met with Simon.

The lack of pain brought back more rational thought.  Why had Magnus been so shocked that Alec had a boyfriend?  Because there was no doubt that Magnus had been blindsided.  If Magnus was such a good friend, why had Alec kept it from him?  Magnus knew Alec was gay.  Was Alec embarrassed to tell Magnus?  Izzy had made it seem like Alec's boyfriend was common knowledge, but Magnus's devastated face said otherwise.

And that was another thing.  Magnus's agonized reaction seemed a little over the top for finding out a friend had kept a secret.  They were grown men!  Surely it wasn't the end of the world.

Sitting in his room wouldn't get Alec the answers he needed.  Now that he felt more steady, it was time to hunt down Izzy and get her help.   By the Angel, this was going to be mortifying.

While he walked through the halls of the Institute, Alec was stopped by a few different people. They wanted advice, or had questions to ask.  Every single one of them was genuinely interested in Alec's opinion, and seemed satisfied with the answers he provided. He was honestly barely paying attention, and yet everything seemed to come so naturally.  It was definitely time to step it up and work more closely with Jem on running the Institute.  

Finally he found Izzy working on some training exercises with their brother Max in the courtyard.  "Hey buddy, how's it going?" Alec asked, with forced joviality.  Of all the memories he had lost, the ones of Max hurt the most.  Max was supposed to be a little kid, causing trouble in his classes and driving their parents insane.  It was devastating that Alec had no memory of Max's Rune Ceremony, which was basically the most important event in a young Shadowhunter's life.  It was hard enough watching Max grow up before his eyes, how was Alec supposed to handle this suddenly mature little Shadowhunter, who begged to go on solo missions?

Izzy sent Alec a knowing grin.  "Max is doing great.  He is really excelling at tracking."  She turned to her younger brother and said, "that's all for right now, Max.  Tomorrow morning I want you to come out on patrol with me and Clary."

"Cool!"  Max ran towards his older siblings, and in his excitement, almost hugged them both.  He pulled back at the last second, offering fist bumps instead.  Alec grinned to himself.  He remembered being that age, and feeling so cool and grown up.  

Despite Izzy's assurances, Alec still felt a little uncertain about Max's training.  "Are you sure he's ready for a patrol?"

Izzy rolled her eyes.  "He'll be totally safe with me and Clary.  In fact, he'll probably complain about being bored.  Max is determined to get right into the action."  

"That's what I'm afraid of," Alec muttered, and was rewarded with a quick jab on the shoulder from his sister.

"So, what brings you out here Alec?  I'm assuming you weren't just interested in watching Max train."

It was uncanny how well Isabelle could read him.  Even though she was two years younger, his sister had always been a nurturer, and was remarkably in tune with Alec's shifting moods.  How best to go about this?  Well, Alec had never been one to beat around the bush.  "Izzy, I need to...meet?...my boyfriend."

"Wow, ok.  That's a big step Alec!  I'm proud of you.  I'll contact Catarina and-"

"No, we're not talking to Catarina first," Alec interrupted.  "I need to do this.  Now."  He sincerely hoped his voice didn't sound as vulnerable as he felt.  Alec clasped his hands behind his back and tried to relax.

Izzy tilted her head and studied him with a soft smile.  Obviously some of his emotion had crept through into his words.  "If it means that much to you, of course.  What brought on the sudden change of heart?"

 _Magnus,_ Alec thought.  Not that he would admit that out loud, even to his sister.  He shrugged his shoulders.  "It just feels wrong, like I'm stringing some poor guy along."

"Don't be crazy.  He understands what you've been going through, and how hard getting readjusted to your life has been."  Izzy reached out and rubbed Alec's bicep.

Her words had been meant to help, but instead they made Alec feel even worse.  Apparently his boyfriend was understanding, patient, and thoughtful.  Meanwhile, Alec had been sniffing and snuggling other men.  Well, just one man, but still.  For fuck's sake, it wasn't fair!  He didn't even remember anything about his relationship, and here he was, feeling like a total jerk for being a bad boyfriend.  Life was screwed up sometimes.

"I don't know Iz.  Can you just go and get him?"  Alec was ready to get this confrontation over with.  He became aware that his hands were now at his sides, clenched in tense fists.  Working to regain his self control, Alec exhaled and propped himself up on a post.

Izzy gave him a funny look.  "I can get a hold of him, and request he come to the Institute. Is that what you would like?"

Alec shook his head, and sifted through the hazy first hours after his accident.  "I thought he lived at the Institute."  He was sure Izzy had said that, right after he woke up.

"No, he doesn't," Izzy replied slowly.  "Why did you think that?"

"Because that's what you said," Alec said grumpily.  "That my boyfriend was in the Institute, but I didn't have to meet him until I was ready."

"I'm not sure..." Izzy mumbled.  Suddenly her face lit up.  "Oh, you mean when you regained consciousness.  Well, he was at the Institute then, but he doesn't live here Alec."

Alec took a few moments to process this new bit of information.  "So, he's from another Institute then?"  He tried to recall any foreign Shadowhunters that had been visiting, but he was drawing a blank.

Izzy was looking distinctly nervous.  "I really think we should get Catarina."

Alec took a deep, calming breath.  Why was his sister acting so difficult?  "Just tell me," he bit out in a demanding tone.  When Izzy flinched, he added on, "please?"

Isabelle seemed to steel herself.  She looked him square in the eye before blurting, "he's not from an Institute.  Your boyfriend is not a Shadowhunter."

If Alec hadn't been leaning against one of the courtyard pillars, he would have staggered at the shock.  "I...what?" he said dumbly.  It was almost too much to cope with.  Was he seeing a Mundane?

"No, Alec," Isabelle said gently.  He must have said that last bit out loud.  "He's a Downworlder."

Maybe his Iratze was wearing off, because Alec's headache was threatening to return with a vengeance.  He felt woozy and slightly nauseous.  "A Downworlder," Alec said in a flat voice.  Fucking perfect.  Downworlder friends, Downworlder boyfriend.  It was like he had taken over someone else's life.

"I take it back, I'm not ready.  You were right, let's put this meeting off until Catarina is available."   _Or never,_ Alec thought.   _Never sounds good too._

"Well, technically, you HAVE met him since the accident," Izzy admitted.

The throbbing in his head became a searing pain, and Alec closed his eyes against it, trying to shut out the world.  It didn't work, and instead, memories came flooding back.  Not those he lost, but recent ones of warm brown eyes and fluid, graceful movements and the familiar smell of magic. 

"It's Magnus," he stated. Suddenly the conversation he had earlier with the Warlock made a lot more sense.  Magnus had been there that night, because they were dating.  Alec had been at his loft, because they were dating.  Magnus had been scared to lose Alec when he got hurt, because they were dating.  He was dating the High Warlock of Brooklyn.

It wasn't a question, but Izzy answered anyway.  "Yes."

He should have been happy. Alec had been attracted to Magnus from their first encounter, when Jem had taken him to the loft for dinner.  The Warlock was incredibly sexy, charming, exceedingly smart, helpful, and about a million more amazing qualities that made Alec's stomach flutter.  Forget happy, he should have been ecstatic.

So why wasn't he?

* * *

Magnus was dealing with the situation in what he felt was an entirely appropriate fashion.  Simon didn't seem to agree.

"Magnus, slow down," Simon yelped, as Magnus tipped another drink into his mouth and swallowed quickly.  "You are going to give yourself alcohol poisoning."

"Warlocks can't get alcohol poisoning," Magnus lied.  "Besides, you are a rock.  Rocks can't talk.  And if they do talk, they certainly don't judge the person they are being a rock for.  Bad rock."  Simon looked perplexed, but Magnus didn't understand why.  He was making perfect sense.  And he definitely wasn't drunk.

Ok, he might have stumbled slightly on his way to the bar cart, but that could happen to anyone.  "I am a bad rock," Simon lamented. "You are three sheets to the wind."

Magnus lurched to a stop and squinted at the Vampire.  Holding up a finger, he said, "that is not true!  I'm one and a half, maybe two sheets, at most.  I still have one more sheet to go."

Simon dropped his head into his hands and groaned.  "Maybe I should get Luke," he muttered to himself.

Magnus heard him, and thought it was a great idea.  "Yes!  Call Lucian.  Invite him over.  The more the merrier.  It will be a little Downworlder party."  A party sounded fun.  Magnus liked fun.

While Simon was mumbling to Luke on the phone, Magnus received a message of his own.

 

**From: Isabelle @ 3:46 pm**

**Alec knows. Can you come to the Institute?**

 

Alec knows what, exactly?  How to break hearts?  How to be a Shadowhunter douche with two boyfriends?  How to lead people on?  Magnus snorted, and then snorted again when he realized how undignified snorting was in the first place.  "Simon, I might be drunk."

"Ya think?" came the Vampire's sarcastic reply.  "Luke's on his way over."

"Good," Magnus replied, and tried to nod his head sagely.  The effect looked like a bobble head doll.  "You can both help me get ready.  I'm going to the Institute."

"Umm, Magnus?" Simon looked at him beseechingly. "You are really in no shape for that."

Snort.  Darn it, there he went again.  "I do realize that, Simon.  However, I received this cryptic message from the lovely Isabelle, and I must get to the bottom of it."  Magnus extended his phone towards Simon, allowing the Vampire to read the text.

"Right.  Well, uh, let's try to sober you up a bit first."  Simon held his hand out, and Magnus handed him his phone.  "I'll just answer Izzy back."

 

**From: Magnus @ 3:58 pm**

**I'll be there at 8:00**

 

"I'll brew some coffee Magnus.  You start drinking water.  We have four hours to reduce your sheets from three to zero."  Simon smiled earnestly at Magnus as he walked backwards into the kitchen.

"I'd even settle for getting down to one sheet."  Magnus grabbed a glass and poured it full of ice water.  He took a large sip, before saying, "Simon, I didn't mean it when I called you a bad rock. You are wonderful."

"Really?" Simon asked, his voice swelling with pride and delight.  "That's...that's awesome Magnus!  I mean, I had hoped I would be able to help, but I wasn't sure-"

"You are wonderful when you don't yammer on excessively," Magnus interrupted, but his voice was kind.

"Uh huh, gotcha," Simon replied, still smiling.  There was a knock on the door, and Simon moved to open in.  "That's gotta be Luke.  Let 'Operation Zero Sheets' commence."

Magnus sighed and groaned and tried his best to sound unamused by the nerdy Vampire.  But truthfully, he was touched by his concern, and found himself looking forward to a few hours spent in the company of his fellow Downworlders.

He pushed his appointment at the Institute into the back of his mind.

* * *

Alec wasn't prepared for the wave of resentment and anger that washed over him when Magnus arrived at the Institute.  It hit him like a physical force.  He was used to the Warlock's presence being a source of comfort and familiarity.  Magnus had been someone he could trust when he couldn't even rely on his own memories.

Alec stood on one side of the room, arms crossed over his chest in a closed-off, guarded manner.  Across the space, Magnus had his arms wrapped around his midsection, giving him a distinct air of fragile vulnerability.  The atmosphere turned stifling with the obsessive tension in the room.  Izzy glanced quickly between Alec and Magnus, before striding over to Simon and pushing him bodily into the hallway.  The door slammed shut on the Vampire's hasty protests.

As Magnus had his eyes trained securely on the floor, Alec was able to thoroughly take in the Warlock's appearance.  Years of Shadowhunter training allowed Alec to read posture, facial expressions, and body movements.  Magnus shifted slightly from foot to foot, and gripped his sides more tightly, all while keeping his eyes cast down.  It was obvious to Alec that Magnus was nervous, more than a little uncertain, and possibly a tiny bit contrite.  Alec's irritation mellowed by a fraction.

Magnus chose that moment to lift his deep brown eyes up and lock on Alec.  They were so expressive; Alec was lost momentarily in the tenderness and fire he saw in the dark pools.  His carefully thought-out plans on how this conversation would proceed flew out the window.  Alec went against his indoctrination and pushed down the urge to do things analytically, instead deciding to go with his heart.  "Why didn't you tell me?" he asked, less demanding than pleading.

The confusion on Magnus's face wasn't fabricated.  "Tell you what, Alexander?"  If possible, Magnus's arms wrapped around his torso even more tightly.

"That we were....together.  Before my accident."  Alec ran his hands through his hair in frustration.  "You acted so shocked when I told you I had a boyfriend, when it was you all along.  I feel like such an idiot."

Magnus burst out in melodic laughter.  "No, I'm the idiot," he proclaimed, a huge smile gracing his face.  He really was the most beautiful person Alec had ever seen.  "I thought you were telling me that you had started dating someone new."  Magnus unfolded his arms, and extended one hand out towards Alec.  "It was all just a simple misunderstanding."

As Magnus took a step forward, Alec raised his hand, and took one back.  The Warlock's smile faltered slightly.  "Alexander?" he asked.  Alec shook his head, trying to indicate that he needed a moment to collect his thoughts.  The smile slid off of Magnus's face entirely.

"So you thought, in the few days since my head injury, that I had met and started dating another man?  That in between trying to regain my balance, my memories, basically figure out my entire fucking life, I had found time for a romantic relationship?"  Alec felt both hurt and bitter, and he knew it was seeping out in his voice.

"Well, when you put it like that," Magnus mumbled, "it does seem kind of hard to believe.  In my defence, you were quite adamant that you had a boyfriend.  And a large quantity of alcohol was consumed right after you left."

"You know what Magnus?  That part I can forgive. What I'm really still curious about is why you never told me, in all the time we spent together, that we were dating.  Especially during our last conversation.  I thought we were having a real heart-to-heart, but you weren't being honest with me."

Magnus wrapped his arms back around himself, and Alec had to restrain himself from rushing over to comfort the man.  "I was being honest.  I told you that I hadn't wanted to keep anything from you.  Catarina didn't want to overwhelm you, and we thought it was best-"

Red hot rage tore through Alec.  Just a few hours ago, he had trusted that Magnus did have his best interests at heart.  Now, hearing those words for a second time, brought on a totally different reaction.  "Stop right there.  Do not tell me you thought the best thing you could do was lie to me."

"I never lied to you," came Magnus's affronted reply.  He was becoming less apologetic and more defensive by the second.

"Maybe not outright," Alec allowed with a nod, "but you lied by omission.  You should have told me right away."

Magnus threw his hands up over his head.  "Were you even ready for that?" he demanded.  "Be honest with yourself, Alec.  You were still struggling with the fact that you were gay.  Can you sincerely tell me that you would have handled the news of our relationship well?"

Magnus had narrowed his eyes, and they pierced into Alec severely.  Truthfully, Alec had to admit that Magnus was right.  "That didn't give you the right to keep it from me," Alec said in a low tone.

Magnus's stern persona dropped instantly.  "It wasn't my decision. I would have been plastered to your side the whole time if it had of been up to me."

"What do we do now?" Alec asked.  He was getting anxious just thinking about it.  Magnus had become such an important figure in Alec's life, but now that he knew the truth behind their relationship, would they be able to carry on as before?  Did Alec even want to go back to being just friends?

"I'll do whatever you want me to do."  Magnus sounded so raw and bare.  It brought a lump to Alec's throat.  "I love you, Alexander."

It was like a fantasy become reality.  Alec had dreamed more than once of a handsome man saying those words to him.  Back when he was a teenager, muddling through his growing attraction to other boys, it had been a reoccurring theme in his daydreams.  He built whole relationships in his mind, that cumulated with those three little words.

Now here he was, dating with a bewitching and fascinating man, who apparently loved him, and he couldn't remember a fucking thing.

Alec scrubbed a hand over his face.  "I'm sorry, Magnus.  I think....I just need some time."

The sorrow on Magnus's face would have broken even the most cruel-hearted of men.  "If that's what you need," he said with a half smile that didn't reach his eyes.

Alec reached out and placed a hand on the Warlock's waist.  "Magnus, I don't love you," he admitted, and tried not to let the other man's flinch affect him as he rushed to continue, "but I think maybe I could.  I do like you. A lot, actually.  But it's all new to me.  You have months of memories of us together, of courtship and dates, and I don't have any of that.  I feel kind of cheated."

A ring-clad hand slid over Alec's own where it was resting at Magnus's side.  "I can help you with that," Magnus said, and this time his smile lit up his whole face.  

When Magnus left with a grumbling Simon in tow, Alec couldn't help but feel a bit giddy.  The underlying hurt and confusion were still there, but they were being overpowered by something else.

"Magnus loves me," Alec murmured to himself in wonder.  He figured out what the overpowering emotion was.

It was the joyful anticipation of the future, something he hadn't felt since long before his injury.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alec figures some shit out, and Jem is the perfect human being I imagine him to be.

* * *

Jem Carstairs was a calming presence in the utter chaos that had become Alec's life.

Sitting in Jem's office, catching up on Institute paperwork and politics, was refreshingly normal.  Alec felt useful, and grounded in a way that had eluded him since losing his memories.  He was good at this.  

It was surprising how quickly the time passed in Jem's company.  Glancing at the clock on the wall, Alec was glad to see that he had been working for almost two straight hours.  It was the longest he had been able to focus on paperwork since his accident, and he hadn't even developed the blurred vision or headaches that plagued his previous attempts.

A well-deserved break was in order.  Alec leaned back, propping his ankles on the desk and balancing on the back two legs of his chair.  Across the desk, Jem looked up and gave him a warm smile, before bowing his head and returning to his work.

Alec studied the other man with detached scrutiny.  Jem had the softest, shiniest hair, which curled around his ears and fell into his eyes in an adorable fashion.  It was so dark brown, it was almost black, except for the one streak of silver, left over from Jem's yin fen dependence.  Jem was so vibrant and full of life, it was hard to picture him pale and thin, addicted to a drug made of Demon poison.

Jem seemed to feel Alec's examination, and met his gaze once again.  Alec noticed that Jem's dark brown eyes were sprinkled with soft golden flecks.  They also had a gentle curve, hinting at Asian ancestry.

"Are you alright Alec?" Jem inquired, with just the slightest hint of a British accent.

Objectively, Alec could admit that Jem was an attractive man.  In fact, he was downright  handsome, with a delightful personality, as well as being an excellent Shadowhunter.  

It would be so easy to love, and be loved, by someone like Jem.  A fellow Shadowhunter, who understood the constraints and traditions that Alec was bound by.  Someone attractive, compassionate, and intelligent.  Someone warm and open, who he could express himself too unconditionally and without fear of ridicule.  Oh, life would be a lot simpler if he could just find happiness with Jem Carstairs.

But Alec knew that was never going to happen.  Because while Jem was all those things - handsome and smart and kind and funny - there was something missing.

 _He isn't Magnus,_ his brain supplied helpfully _._ Alec groaned and pulled his feet off the desk, his chair landing back on the floor with a clatter.  He dropped his head onto the desk, pillowed in his arms.  "No.  Yes.  I don't know," he replied to Jem's earlier question.  

"That's confusing," Jem said with a small chuckle.  Alec agreed wholeheartedly.  Yes, he was very confused.   But when he thought about it rationally, all the attractive attributes he admired in Jem, were also possessed by Magnus.  The only difference was, Magnus wasn't a Shadowhunter.  So what exactly was Alec's problem?

"Do you want to talk about it?  I think we've worked hard enough for the time being."  Alec sighed and smiled into the cocoon of his arms.  Gentle, tolerant Jem; what did Alec do to deserve such a loyal friend?

"It's about Magnus," Alec began haltingly.  Jem gave him an encouraging nod.  "I just found out we were...together.  That he was...is...my boyfriend."

Jem tilted his head, and said softly, "that must have come as a big shock."

Alec instantly felt the tension leave his body.  He had been worried about Jem's reaction, without even realizing it.  But Jem understood!  Unlike Jace.  His parabati hadn't been able to see the problem.  "Great, now you can get some action," had been his reply.  He was totally perplexed by Alec's dithering.

"To put it mildly, yah."  Alec knew this was his best chance at figuring out his jumbled feelings.  He needed to be completely honest with Jem.  It involved making a big confession.  "From practically the moment I woke up after my accident, I've known that I have a boyfriend.  It's been something that has been really hard to wrap my head around.  Losing my memories - it's almost like I've travelled back in time.  I feel like a fraud most of the time, like I'm living someone else's life.  I'm still coming to terms with being..." Alec took a huge, calming breath, "...with being gay.  I know this other Alec had figured it all out, and was proud of himself and his relationship, but I'm just not there yet."

"You don't have to be," Jem assured him.  "Alec, stop pressuring yourself.  All you have to do is live the life you have right now.  Feel the feelings you are currently having.  Stop trying to be someone else."

Alec sucked his lips into his mouth, deep in thought.  "But, if I never regain my memories, and I don't become like I used to be, won't I be letting everybody down?"  It was his biggest fear.

Jem pushed out of his chair, and moved to stand behind Alec.  He rested his hands gently on Alec's shoulders.  "No, you won't," he said firmly.  "Your friends, your family, everyone that loves you, they all understand how hard this is for you.  We all just want you to be happy, Alec.  No matter what that entails."

It was exactly what Alec needed to hear.  And for once, he believed it.  Somehow he had surrounded himself with an amazing network of friends and family, and he knew they all wanted to see him happy again.

Alec rose from his chair, and turned to give Jem a solid hug.  He felt better than he had in days.   Now onto part two of his confession ...

"There's more," Alec admitted, as he broke the hug and sank down bonelessly in his chair.   Jem cocked his hip and leaned on to the corner of the desk, waiting patiently for Alec to continue. "When I told Izzy I wanted to meet my boyfriend, it wasn't because I wanted to see him.  I had kind of planned to break up with him."

This time, Jem's face did show surprise.  "Were you feeling overwhelmed with your sexuality?"

"No," Alec answered.  "I actually...it's just...I was sort of falling for Magnus."

Jem's face was filled with compassion.  "Oh, Alec," he said, and reached out to grip the other man's hand.

"Yah.  It didn't seem fair, to be dating someone, when I had feelings for another man.  And I guess I thought...or I hoped, that maybe Magnus had feelings for me, too.  And that we could see where it went.  That I could start a relationship, and actually remember it all!"  The bitter feeling of unfairness was taking over.  "Now that's all fucked up."

"But it doesn't have to be."  Jem gave his hand a light squeeze.  "Perhaps you and Magnus could start dating all over again."

Alec shook his head wearily.  "Even if we did, he'd still have the memories of our past relationship.  What if he couldn't help constantly comparing, or if he found himself less attracted to me than he was the first time?  I'm just not sure how it would work."

"I think you need to trust Magnus," Jem replied with a smile.  "Tell him what you want, and how you feel.  Chances are, you'll be pleasantly surprised with the outcome."

"That's a slightly better plan than mine."  When Jem looked at him questioningly, Alec continued.  "I was thinking of avoiding him until my memories came back."

Jem scoffed, and gave him a light punch on the shoulder.  "Alec Lightwood, you are an idiot.  I really have no idea what you would do without me."

Alec shot Jem an affectionate smirk.  "Me either."

* * *

It was actually possible to feel hopeful, and yet like your heart had been wrenched out and stomped on, both at the same time.  Magnus knew, because he was currently experiencing both simultaneously.  

His behaviour last night after returning to the loft hadn't been pretty.  He had gotten drunk in a most spectacular fashion, making a complete ass of himself in front of Simon and Luke. Not that he was embarrassed.  But it did make it a lot harder to kick them out this morning.

He needed solitude and privacy for what he had planned.  He was going to keep his promise to Alexander, to help him with the memories of their courtship that he was missing.  Alec probably expected him to recreate their dates or some other nonsense, but that wasn't what Magnus had in mind.  He needed to be considerate and gentle with the young Shadowhunter.  Pushing Alec out of his comfort zone was a strategy that Magnus had used in the past, but this time, he wanted Alec to rekindle their relationship all on his own.

He had a long day of writing ahead of him.

* * *

Alec's day was spent much like Magnus's; in solitude.  After getting approval from Jem, Alec bunked off work early, settling himself in the courtyard to do some serious thinking and soul searching.

The biggest question on Alec's mind was, _what did he want?_ Not what the other Alec wanted, or what people expected him to want.  What did present, missing memory Alec want, right now?

Did he want to be Head of the Institute, like he had always dreamed?  That answer came easily - no, he did not.  He had to admit, Jem did a first rate job keeping things running and everybody in line.  And Alec just didn't have the time or the patience to deal with such an overwhelming position right now.  He was happy were he was, as Jem's Acting Head.

Did he want a relationship?  This was a lot harder to answer.  The thought of openly acknowledging that he was gay still made his pulse race.  He wasn't sure he was ready to face the judgement and scorn of his peers.  Izzy assured him that everybody at the Institute knew, and accepted his sexuality, but Alec was suspicious that she was over-simplifying things.  For one, his parents remained distant after his accident, which was unnatural, even for them.  Surely they weren't happy with their eldest son dating a male Downworlder?  Secondly, he was becoming more aware of the sideways glances and whispered conversations that suddenly stopped when he entered the room.  Maybe he was just paranoid, but he pictured them all talking about Alec's strange sexual deviancy, and how far he had strayed from Shadowhunter custom.

Alec had always envisioned himself getting married, having children, the whole thing.  It was really the only option.  And Alec loved kids.  Hanging with Max was one of his favourite pastimes, and something he got to do less frequently than he would have liked.

Now he suddenly had another option.  The opportunity for a different type of relationship.  So he repeated the question to himself, _did he want a relationship?_ Yes.  He did.  He wanted a demonstrative relationship, where he could share his triumphs and sorrows.  He wanted to love, and be loved in return.

Which left him with one big, final question.  Did he want to try for a relationship with Magnus?

His heart screamed a big, unequivocal YES.

It didn't matter that it might be hard.  Who was he kidding, dating a male Downworlder?  Of course it would be hard.  It didn't even matter that it might not work out, in the end.  What did matter, right now, was that Alec was choosing something specifically for himself.  It was exhilarating, yet also quite terrifying, and totally against his base nature.

The only problem was, Alec had no idea how to go about having a relationship.  How the heck had he and Magnus even progressed to the 'boyfriend' stage?  What was his next move?  Call on Magnus at the loft?  Or ask him out on a date?  Alec knew what Izzy would suggest.  " _Stop overthinking it.  Do what feels right."_ Easy for her to say.

Alex decided the best thing he could do was sleep on it, and tackle the problem with a fresh mind tomorrow.  And if that didn't work, he could always ask his sister for advice.  

When Alec got back to his room, he had two surprises waiting for him.  One was a note from Jace, which had been shoved under his door. 

 

_Alec,_

_I'm sorry I acted like such an asshole today.  I've become a professional at saying the exact wrong thing to you._

_I've never had a relationship like the one you and Magnus share.  You are lucky to have found someone who loves you so much.  My advice is to hold onto that, if you can._

_Your parabati, your brother,_

_Jace_

 

Jace may be a hot-head, and a bit of a conceited jerk, but he always came through for Alec in the end.  Maybe Jace was right, and Alec was lucky to have found Magnus.  But he was also lucky to have Jace, his other half, looking out for him.  Knowing Jace was on his side, and accepted him no matter what, was a huge comfort to Alec.  

The second surprise was sitting on his desk.  It was the journal of memories from Magnus, looking very different from earlier this morning.  The book had tripled in size, and was almost opening by itself, it was crammed so full of pages.  Alec picked the book up in wonder, and sat down on his bed in a daze, flipping through the pages randomly.  There was just so much to read, it was hard to concentrate.  A few words jumped out at him, like fiancée and wedding.  That made Alec pause.  Whose wedding?  He quickly skimmed a few pages, before closing the book with a loud thunk and letting it fall out of his hands.

Holy shit, he'd been engaged.  To a woman!  The wedding was planned and everything.  Alec was almost hyperventilating at the thought of what happened next.  Because it was obvious that he didn't go through with the marriage. 

With growing trepidation, he picked the book up off the floor, and turned until he reached the page he was looking for.

 

_The Wedding_

_The day of your wedding was a terrible day for me. I had lost one of my oldest and dearest friends that morning, while on a mission with Jace and Clary.  I was moments away from losing my chance with you.  You could say I was wallowing in self-pity._

_Then a smart man reminded me that sometimes you have to fight for what you want, and that love is worth fighting for._

_Showing up at the Institute seconds before you exchanged Wedded Union Runes with Lydia wasn't something I had planned.  Imagine if I had been even one minute later!  But as soon as I saw you, and you looked at me with longing and confusion in your eyes, I knew it was all worth it, regardless of the outcome.  I had done everything in my power._

_Maryse wanted me to leave, and I remember replying something to the affect of "this is between me and your son.  I'll leave if he asks me."  All the while, we were focused on each other.  My world just shrunk, and the other guests, the Clave envoys and important Shadowhunters, they all faded away.  Only you were left, with your beautiful hazel eyes staring straight into my heart._

_Then you turned back toward Lydia, and I still recall the sensation of my heart faltering in my chest. Were you actually going to go ahead and marry her?_ _When you turned back towards me, and our eyes locked once more, it seemed like maybe your world was shrinking, too, and that all you could see was me. At least, that was what I hoped._

_It felt like forever, yet it also felt like a mere moment, that we stood staring at each other.  I couldn't read your gaze. Your eyes had lost the confusion, and instead held a steely flint of determination.  When you finally moved off the alter, I panicked a little.  Part of me was afraid you were going to punch me, or throw me out and continue on with the wedding.  A small, hopeful part pictured you grabbing my arm, walking out of the Institute, and discussing the possibility of a relationship._

_Nothing could have prepared me for what actually happened.  You, Alexander Lightwood, marched down the aisle, away from your bride, past your mother, grabbed me by the lapels, and drug me into the most romantic kiss outside of a Disney movie.  I've been alive for centuries, yet that was the only time I've ever had fireworks go off inside my head during a first kiss.  It was no chaste peck on the lips, like one would expect in public.  No, your kiss was full of passion and fire, and I answered it back willingly with boundless joy and excitement._

_When it ended, all too soon, I told you, "you never cease to amaze me, Alec."_

_That's still true, Alexander.  And it always will be._

 

This time, he closed the book gently, his eyes glazed over.  Had he really done that?  Defied his parents?  Flouted Shadowhunter tradition, in front of the Clave?  Left a fiancée standing at the alter?

Had he really strode down the aisle, at his own wedding, and kissed another man in front of all those people?

It boggled Alec's mind. He couldn't imagine doing it.  Yet a smile was breaking out on his face nonetheless.  Even if he didn't remember the action, he could guess the thought behind it.  He did it because Magnus was worth it.  He was worth the ire of his parents, and the snide remarks of the Clave. To Alec, in that moment, Magnus Bane had been worth the risk, just as Alec had been worth it to Magnus, to risk crashing the wedding in the first place.

Alec pictured the Magnus that he knew now.  The enchanting Warlock with a heart of gold, wicked sense of humour, and possibly a bit of a drinking problem.  He was quirky and verbose and gracious; basically, in a lot of ways, they were polar opposites.  Hell, maybe that's why they had worked the first time.

Alec asked himself another question. Was it worth taking a huge risk on Magnus Bane for a second time?

He didn't even have to ponder the answer.  Yes, of course Magnus was worth it.  

Alec smiled somewhat manically.  He was really going to do this. He was going to date another man.  A Downworlder.  Possibly the most powerful Downworlder in the area. 

As Alec went to sleep that night, he spared one look at the memory journal, now perched precariously on his bedside table.  Maybe he didn't need to catch up on their past relationship.  Maybe he'd rather concentrate on making new memories of his own with Magnus.


End file.
